Mentors (Joshler)
by Winchesterbros21
Summary: Warning: Will contain mentions of suicide, cutting, depression, and gay smut. Tyler Joseph is a depressed and suicidal ninth grader, struggling through life. Josh Dun is a popular senior, captain of the soccer team. Josh signs up to be a mentor to an at risk undergrad and gets assigned to the school loner and weirdo, Tyler Joseph. The two quickly bond over school work and that bo
1. Ch 1 - Kitchen Sink

**Chapter One - Kitchen Sink (P.O.V. Tyler)**

I walk with my head down, eyes on the sidewalk. I keep count of the cracks in the sidewalk as I walk to keep my mind occupied. I was on crack number one hundred and thirty six when a foot entered my periphery and the next thing I knew my face was pressed up against crack number one hundred and thirty six. Then came the barrage of insults that had long since lost their sting from frequent use. "Faggot, emo, freak, loser, fuck up." My first thought was sarcasm. Tell me something about myself that I don't know. I am a faggot, emo, freak, loser, fuck up. Old news to me.

A swift kick hit me in the stomach, I kept my head down until I heard the footsteps walk away. I rolled over onto my back and hissed a little at the pain I felt from the kick. I struggle to stand up and clutch at my side as I continue on down the sidewalk to school. I manage to make into school with no one else bothering me and I make a break for the handicap bathrooms across from the nurse's office. I lock myself in the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror to assess the damage. I lift my shirt and look past the numerous scars littering my body and stare at the large purple bruise forming.

Nothing can be done about it, except endure the pain and wait for it to heal. I let my shirt fall back down over my skinny frame and have to suck up the courage to head back out into the hallway. I step back out into the hallway and it's not too busy, I make my way to first period unscathed. I take my seat in the back corner of the room and keep my eyes down as I make my way there. I take my seat and allow myself to peak out from underneath my hoodie. I take in the room, as though I were watching a documentary with interest but a disconnect from reality.

My eyes immediately go to the smiling face of the most popular boy in the school. Amazing athlete, outgoing personality, handsome, and a genuine good person. Josh Dun deserved to be popular he was a nice guy, he was so unlike most people at this school. I was in love with him. I'd had a huge crush on him since I moved here. But I was a just a loser freshman, the brunt of everyone's frustrations, I was nothing. He was a popular senior, the epitome of the all american boy. He was destined for great things. I doubted I'd make it to eighteen before I killed myself.

I accepted my fate, but that doesn't the depressed little emo faggot that I was couldn't stare at and have very involved fantasies about the hot piece of ass that was Josh Dun. I watched him the duration of the class, he was much more interesting than Mr. Drake rambling on about the War of 1812 anyway. I watched his hands, holding a perfectly sharpened number two pencil move across the paper as he took notes. He eyes narrowed in concentration, a little crease formed between his eyes when he wrote. Occasionally his tongue poked out of his mouth and moved across his lips, they were a little chapped. The bell rang, startling me. I moved slowly waiting for everyone else to exit the class before me. I threw my empty backpack over my shoulder and forced myself back into the hallway.

The rest of the day passed with surprisingly little incidence, and I sent up a silent thanks to a deity whose existence I highly doubted. I made my escape out of a side door, avoiding the main rush of kids exiting the building. Making sure my hood hid my face, I began the mile and a half walk to my house. My house was an old house, long since fallen into disrepair. It wasn't pretty but it was functional which I guess was something to be grateful for. My life sucked but at least I wasn't homeless.

I walked up the steps to my house and careful to avoid the loud creak that the door sometimes made opened it slowly and walked in. The house stank of booze and cigarette smoke thanks to my dear old father. I checked the living room and saw that he was in his usual spot, passed out drunk on an old recliner. I walked over a took a still lit cigarette from his hand and put it out and tossed it in an ashtray. One of these days he was going to catch the house on fire. Hopefully we were both in the house when it happened.

I walked upstairs to my room which was the second door on the left. I had very little in my room, just a bed, a dresser and a bookshelf with a grand total of seven books on it. I threw my nearly empty backpack full of homework I wasn't going to do over in the corner. I sat down on my bed and pulled out my little black leather bound journal out from under my mattress. This book contained lyrics I wrote to songs, they were really stupid and sucked but it passed the time and I liked it.

I opened up the journal to an empty page and thinking back to the first time I cut myself. I'd been standing in front of the kitchen sink at midnight, staring out the window at the stars that littered the sky. I was thinking about swallowing a handful of my father's blood pressure pills and ending it all. This was right after the incident in eighth grade. I was too much of a coward to swallow the pills, so I grabbed a knife out of the drawer, a big butcher knife. I cut myself for the first time that night on the thigh where the scar could be safely hidden.

I remember washing the blood away in the sink and watching go down the drain. I liked that, it was like I was getting rid of a part of myself. I was washing away the bad parts of me, I liked that feeling. The words flooded my mind and I wrote them frantically, not caring about spelling or grammar or anything my English teachers had ever taught me.

 _Nobody thinks what I think,_

 _Nobody dreams when they blink_

 _Think things on the brink of blasphemy_

 _I'm my own shrink_

 _Think things are after me, my catastrophe_

 _I'm at my kitchen sink, you don't know what that means_

 _Because a kitchen sink to you_

 _Is not a kitchen sink to me, OK friend?_

 _Are you searching for purpose?_

 _Then write something, yeah it might be worthless_

 _Then paint something then, it might be wordless_

 _Pointless curses, nonsense verses_

 _You'll see purpose start to surface_

 _No one else is dealing with your demons_

 _Meaning maybe defeating them_

 _Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend_

 _Go away_

 _Leave me alone._

 _Nobody thinks what you think, no one_

 _Empathy might be on the brink of extinction_

 _They will play a game and say_

 _They know what you're going through_

 _And I tried to come up with an artistic way to say_

 _They don't know you, and neither do I_

 _So here's a prime example of a stand up guy_

 _Who hates what he believes and loves it at the same time_

 _Here's my brother and his head's screwed up_

 _But that's alright ._

I got the last word down on the page and threw the book down on the bed beside me. I lied down beside the book and tried to fight off the tears that threatened to escape. But like the reality that I couldn't escape the tears escaped from my eyes. I lay there bawling my eyes out because the sadness overwhelmed me again. I hated the sadness, but it loved me. I would find me at random times, usually at night and I would cry, and sometimes I would cut myself because pain made the sadness go away. I buried my face in my pillow, contemplated smothering myself but eventually just fell asleep.


	2. Ch 2 - Introducing Josh

**Chapter Two - Josh**

I walk into school and am instantly greeted by my teammates, I automatically smile and wave back. Its senior year, the last year of high school and things couldn't be going better for me. I'm captain of the soccer team and we've won every game so far this year. I've got amazing friends, and of course my lovely girlfriend Debby. I shake my head at the sheer perfection that is my life. What did I do to deserve all of this?

Debby was waiting by my locker, her red hair tied up in a loose ponytail with a few strands falling down over her face. Her face lit up in a smile when she saw me and I smiled back. I walked up to her and wrapped my arm around her waist giving her a small peck on the lips. "Hey sweetie," she said to me as I turned to open my locker. "Hey babe."

"So are you all psyched up for the big soccer game tonight," she asked me in her usual perky voice?

"Of course," I said grinning at the excitement of tonights game. It was against our rival and we were all confident that we could beat them easily. "I know you'll do amazing and I'll be in the first row cheering you on, I've made a sign and everything but you'll have to wait and see it at the game."

"I can't wait," I said closing my locker and shoving my books in my backpack. I grabbed Debby's hand in my own and walked her to her first period class which was just a couple rooms down from mine. I gave her another peck on the lips before leaving to go to my own class. I walked in the room and immediately saw my group of friends hanging out by the windows before class started. "Dun, my man, how's it going?"

"Can't complain," I said taking a seat and getting out the materials I needed for class. I listened to my friends chatter on as I finished up the last few questions on my homework that needed to be done. I smiled a bit at their antics and shook my head when the teacher came in and scolded them to quiet down.

After class I had a free period, which are usually fun but I didn't have any friends with me so I usually just read or did school work. In the middle of class, the teacher got a call from the principal, wanting me to go see her. I walked down the hallway wondering what she could possibly want from me. I walked into the office and greeted the receptionist, Mrs. Richards with a smile and a polite hello and she told me to go right on into Mrs. Chamber's office.

I gave a little knock on the door and waited for her soft voice before entering. She gave me a smile and told me to take a seat in the chair across from her desk. "Good morning Joshua, how are you today?"

"I'm doing really well, thank you. How are you?"

"I'm great. So I bet you're wondering what I called you down here for." I nodded. "Well you are such a good and well rounded student that I have a favor to ask of you. I'm interested in starting a mentoring program, where junior and seniors would be paired with an at risk underclassman. You would act as a tutor and help them with school work, but also be a mentor and a good role model. Someone they can talk to and get advice from. I'm only trying it out with a few students this year to see how it goes but if it's successful then next year we'd do it on a larger scale. Would you be interested in being a mentor. I know you're busy with school work and sports but I think you're the ideal person we're looking for."

I thought it over, it did seem like a good idea and I wouldn't mind helping somebody out. I gave her a quick answer that I would definitely do it, that it seemed like fun. "Great, thank you so much. We're still working out who will be assigned to whom but I should have the name of the boy you'll be paired with in a day or so."

She thanked me as I stood up to leave and I told her it was my pleasure to help out. Since my older brother had gone off to college I'd been missing someone to hang out with all the time. Maybe I would grow to be really great friend whomever I was assigned. I walked back to my free period and took a seat and got back to work. I didn't get straight A's by not studying, so I turned my attention to the history textbook to study for the history test tomorrow.


	3. Ch 3 - Bloody Noses

"Hey fag, why the fuck do you bother showing up here? No one wants to see your gay ass around here." I coward against the wall, shaking in anticipation of the blow about to hit my face. I was the stupid one for coming around the back of the school in an effort to escape the crowds during lunch. I just got sick of eating lunch in the bathroom. He pulled his fist back and instead of my face, his fist slams into my stomach knocking me to the ground.

Then his foot kicked me several times in my stomach, chest and once in my face. I could feel the blood flowing from my nose. When he saw the blood he gave me one last good kick then jogged away laughing and leaving me alone. I just lied there, silent tears rolling down my face because the pain was too much for a few minutes to move. I shut my eyes, thinking about falling asleep and never waking up. I was content to do so until I heard a voice approaching.

It was too late to roll away and hide myself from view. I thought he might be coming back for me, or it was another of my many tormentors coming to finish me off. I looked up to see who was approaching and saw none other than Josh Dun. He was carrying a box towards the dumpsters. He tossed the box into the dumpsters and turned to go back inside but as he turned he saw me and stopped in his tracks. "Oh my gosh, what happened." He walked towards me and crouched down in front of me. "Are you alright, do you need help getting to the nurse."

"Um, no. I'm fine."

"Dude you're clearly not fine, let me help you out."

He grabbed me around the waist and pulled my light frame up easily. I let out a hiss at the pain in my ribs. I looked and saw that had dribbled some blood on his white shirt and I just wanted to die right about then. He was going to be so mad at me, I just wanted to disappear I couldn't believe I got blood on Josh Dun's shirt. He began to help me along, holding me around the waist as I hobbled along. He looked down at me and noticed the blood on his shirt. I cringed expecting him to let go of me in disgust and drop me down on the ground. He just looked at me and shrugged, I think he could tell that I was uneasy because he let out a small laugh.

"Oh don't worry about the shirt dude, getting to the nurse is more important. I've got extra in my gym locker it's no big deal."

I let out a breath and turned my attention away from him. "Sorry to ask, but what's your name, I know I've seen you around but we've never spoken."

"Tyler."

"Well Tyler, it's great to finally put a name to the face. I'm Josh. I don't mean to be nosy or anything but what happened?"

I gulped feeling a combination of shame and embarrassment. I tried to bite back tears that threatened to break through. He saw my reaction and back pedaled. "Dude sorry you don't have to answer that. I'm overstepping boundaries."

By now we were approaching the nurse's office, he let go of me and I told him I was fine thanked him. He shrugged my thanks off and told me it was no problem before walking away. I waited until he was out of sight and then dodged my way into the handicap bathroom to clean myself up. I couldn't go see the nurse, there were too many scars that if anyone saw they would ask dangerous questions.

I stood in front of the sink with a wad of wet paper towel and wiped the blood off. Tears fell down my face as I wiped off the blood. I hated this, I hated all of it. I wasn't sure I could do this much longer. I threw the paper towel in the trash bin and slumped down onto the floor, I didn't have it in me to try and get back to class.

I skipped the next two periods but decided to go to the last period of the day. I made my way to class and sat away in the back, barely listening to watch the teacher was saying. I was failing all my classes anyway so I didn't have it in me to try and care. In the middle of class the phone rang the teacher looked annoyed that it disrupted her lecture and went to answer it. "Tyler Joseph," she called out searching around the room for me. "Is there a Tyler Joseph here?"

I raised my hand to indicate that I was in fact in the room. "The principal would like to see you." Of course this elicited several comments from various students in the room. I ignored them and stood up and left the class to go see what I was in trouble for. I walked into the office and the receptionist told me to go right on in to see Mrs. Chambers. I walked into her office slowly and when she saw me she smiled and motioned for me to take a seat."Good afternoon Tyler, how are you?"

"Fine," I said noncommittally taking a seat .

"I have a lot to talk to you about the first being your absence from three of your classes today. Where were you?"

"The bathroom."

"Why were you in the bathroom?"

"I felt sick," I said lying rather unconvincingly.

"Mhm," she said unconvinced. "Well this is a warning if you miss classes again there will be consequences."

I just nodded,

"Now what I would like to tell you about is a project I'm trying to test out. It's a mentoring program where an upperclassman is paired with an underclassman The upperclassman would act as a mentor and help the underclassman with their studies and be a peer they can look up to and get advice from. I've selected you to be one of the underclassman in this year's trial run of the program."

"I don't want to do this."

"It's not really a choice Tyler. You're failing most of your classes and need the help. I've paired you with someone more then capable of tutoring you. You'll be placed in a study hall with him where he'll help you with your school work. It's Joshua Dun, you might know him."

I looked down at my lap with a feeling of disdain, I didn't want any of this. I didn't want a mentor. I didn't want a mentor that was Josh Dun. I didn't want to be here. "It'll start tomorrow, I have your updated schedule here with the study hall you've been moved into." I took the paper and shoved it into my backpack not bothering to look at it. "Have a nice day Tyler," she said as I stood up to leave, I didn't respond and marched out of her office just as the bell rang signaling the end of the school day.

Out in the hallway, I turned to round the corner and bumped into none other than my new mentor. "Oh hey Tyler, have you spoken to Mrs. Chambers yet, she just told me last period that were mentor partners. I look forward to getting to know you, see you in study hall tomorrow." He gave me a little wave as he walked away and just stood there watching him walk away. Great. My crush was my mentor.


	4. Ch 4 - Tyler's Tears

I looked down at my phone and sighed impatiently. Debby was in the changing room trying on a dress and I was stuck standing outside playing the role of a good boyfriend. I loved Debby, but I wasn't sure I was in love with her, she was more like my best friend that I kissed. But I didn't have it in me to bring it up to her, and potentially hurt her.

I let my mind wander to Tyler, my mentoree. I hadn't realized that the boy I helped to the nurses office was the same boy that was my mentoree. I had only heard of Tyler, he had a reputation of being a loner. I think he had a rough time in school and people weren't really that nice to him. It made me upset to think that he was being beat up. I decided to try and bring it up with him sometime during one of our meetings. I would try and be friends with him, maybe just being a friend to him would help.

Debby's red head peered out of the dressing room first. "Ready to see." I looked up and nodded. She popped out of the dressing room in a fitted black lacy dress. "Looks great," I said feeling rather disinterested. "Josh you could at least act interested."

"I'm sorry Debs, but you know shopping isn't my thing."

"Jesus, I need a gay friend."  
"Nice to stereotype Deb."

"Well you're no help."

"Whatever just get dressed so we can go, I have homework to do."

She disappeared with a huff back into the dressing room and I sighed. I hated arguing, but I was impatient and wanted to be anywhere but here. She came back out of the dressing room and I stood to leave with her. I drove her home and she wouldn't speak to me the entire ride.

The next morning I was running a little late to school but I sweet talked Mrs. Richards into not marking me tardy. I raced off to first period and gave a little nod to the teacher as I walked in, he didn't care that I was late. I went to take my seat next to all my friends and I noticed Tyler sitting in the back of the room with his hood up and his face down on the table like he was sleeping. I took my seat, but kept glancing back at him and the entire class he didn't move so much as to twitch.

When the bell rang, I stayed behind watching to see if he was awake, when everyone else had left he lifted his head. His face was streaked with tears, a black and blue mark littered his cheek, blemishing his perfect pale white skin. He stood and pulled his hood further down his face, he stopped when he noticed me. He turned and darted out of the room and by the time I made it into the hallway he was no where to be found.

I was stunned and confused, but overwhelming me in that instant was the urge to help and protect the small boy. He was obviously in a lot of pain, whether it be physical or psychological I didn't know but I wanted to protect him. I walked alertly to my next class keeping my eyes open in search for the small crying boy.

The day past by slowly and I was waiting impatiently for eighth period study hall, when I could finally see Tyler and ask him what was wrong. Finally it was the last period of the day when we were scheduled to meet in the library. I walked in and went a sat a table that was tucked away behind some bookshelves so it would be more private. But worried that he wouldn't see me I went and stood near the front of the library and browsed a bookshelf nonchalantly.

I happened to look up just in time to see the flash of a black hoodie rushing by the front door of the library. I raced out into the hallway and saw him heading towards the backdoor of the school. I ran after him, bobbing and weaving through people, going against the flow of traffic. He made it out the doors, but I was only a few seconds behind him. I burst out of the back door and stopped looking around to see where he was. I stood there dumbfounded for a moment wondering where he could be. I turned and started walking along the side of the building towards the dumpsters.

As I got closer to the dumpsters I began to hear a noise, it sounded like crying. I started to run, and when I finally made it to the dumpster and peered around the other side I saw him crouched down on the ground. Tyler sat back against the wall of the school, knees tucked up with his arms wrapped around them and he was crying. I slowed down and approached him quietly, I tentatively called out his name. "Tyler."

His head snapped up with a look of fear written on his face. Tears ran down his cheeks and his nose ran. He looked like a little kid, he was a little kid. He was only a freshman, probably only fourteen or fifteen years old. I was eighteen years old which wasn't that much older but it sure felt like it. "Dude, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you," I said holding up my hands to show I was harmless. His faced relaxed a bit when he saw me, but the tears still ran down his face, and a look of anxiety settled upon his features.

I crouched down and sat down beside him, keeping a bit of distance between us. He was looking everywhere but at me. I tried futilely to make eye contact but he averted his gaze. "Do you want to talk? I promise anything you tell me stays between us. I'm your mentor, you can trust me."

"I hate my life. Everyone hates me and gets so much joy from hurting me. I didn't ask for any of this, and I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to die." He broke down again, tears spilling from his brown eyes and my heart broke for the boy I barely knew sitting beside me.

"I'm sure not everyone hates you Tyler. I don't hate you."

"Everyone either hates me or is indifferent, which isn't any better. And you will hate me. I'm a faggot. You'll probably want to beat me up now. Everyone does, and why wouldn't they? I deserve it for being a freak of nature."

"Why would you say that? No one deserves to be beat up. And you're not a faggot, I hate that word. Your gay and that's perfectly fine, why would I hate you because of something like that?"

He shook his head incredulously, not believing a word I said. "I'm gonna go home."

"No!" I said not wanting to let him out of my sight in the state he was in. "Why don't you come home with me, I can sign us out of last period because I'm a senior and we can go to my house and you can get cleaned up and we can study… or talk. Whatever you want. I just don't think you should be alone, you don't deserve to suffer alone."

"No, I'm fine. Don't worry I won't go and off myself...tonight."

"Please Tyler, just come with me for thirty minutes then you can leave."

"Fine."

"You'll come?"

"Yes."

"Great, come on." I said grabbing his hand and pulling him up after me. "You can go wait in my car," I said handing him my keys. "These are o unlock it, its the blue Subaru parked right next to the soccer field."

He took the keys without and word and trudged off towards the soccer field. I stood watching him walk for a minute with his shoulders slouched. I sighed and turned and went back into the building to the library to grab my stuff. Then I went to the office to sign us out of class. I burst out the front door and jogged over to the parking lot. I breathes a sigh of relief when I saw him sitting in the passenger seat, staring blankly out the window at the cars passing by. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but it felt right and I was just going with it.


	5. Ch 5 - You're Cute When You Smile

I have an older brother named Zack who's nineteen years old. When we were little Zack and I were really close, I idolized my big brother and always wanted to do everything he did. He was an amazing big brother, he never got mad at me for constantly following him around and doing what he did. When our mother died, he took it really hard, we all did but it really broke him. He got into drugs and not just pot but harder stuff like cocaine and heroin.

I didn't know where he was half of the time, he would show up at home once in a while crying about how he needed money. I would give him money that I stole from our dad. I couldn't say no to my big brother. He wasn't as nice as he used to be either. He would yell at me sometimes and call me names if I couldn't get money. He'd never been physically abusive though before last night.

I'd gotten home from school last night and my dad was gone, probably at the bar drinking with his buddies. I wouldn't see him for a while which was something to be grateful for. I went up to my room and was sitting on my bed writing like I usually did when I heard the door slam downstairs. I got up and went downstairs to see who it was though it didn't take much to guess that it was Zack. I went downstairs to find him plopped down in a recliner in the living room smoking a cigarette, eerily reminding me of our father. "Hi Zack."

I took in his gaunt face and skinny frame and his yellowing teeth with a feelings of complete helplessness. My brother was wasting away in front of my eyes. "Hey fuckwad."

My face visibly drooped when he spoke to me like this because everyone else spoke to me like this but my brother wasn't supposed to. "Aw, did upset you little queer boy. God dammit grow a pair or you'll never make it through life. Did you get any cash for me?"

I shook my head no, I hadn't dad had left and taken his wallet with him. "What the fuck, you were supposed to get me the money."

"I-I couldn't, dad was gone when I got home and he took his wallet with him."

He stood up from the chair, his cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth and slowly approached me. I stood there frozen in place, unable to look my brother in the eyes because he scared me. He stopped less than an inch from my face, close enough for me to smell booze on his breath.

"You really are fucking useless." He told me spitting in my face.

I couldn't hold back the tear that slipped from my eye and fell down my face. The next thing I knew I was on the floor clutching my face where he had struck me. He gave me a swift kick in the stomach for good measure and stepped over my body and left. I lay on the ground crying silent tears.

I sat waiting in Josh's car wondering what I was doing here, did he expect me to spill my guts to him? I wasn't going to do that, I would go there for thirty minutes to get him off my back. I saw him burst out of the front door of the school and start jogging towards the car that I was in. He opened the driver's side door and slid easily into the car. I handed him his keys and as he reached to grab them from my hand his hand brushed mine. But a second later the keys were gone and my hand was back on my lap.

We drove to his house in relative silence, it was a short drive as he only lived about ten minutes from the school and traffic was light. His was a blue ranch style house, with a big landscaped front lawn. He got out of the car and I followed his lead and he motioned for me to follow him into the house. "My parents are still at work so we have the house to ourselves. Would you like anything to drink?" He asked as he lead me through the kitchen. I shook my head and declined a drink and followed him into the living room. We sat down on a plush brown leather sofa that I sunk into. He laughed at me as I sank into the couch.

His laugh was infectious and I let out a shy little giggle and found that it eased some of the tension I was feeling. "So you wanna watch a movie or something?" I nodded thinking that anything besides talking about feelings was agreeable. He got up from the couch and walked across the room to a shelf full of movies and picked out a few and brought them back over to me. "Which one do you want to watch?" I looked at the selection he'd given me and held out "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" which was one of my favorites. "Great choice, I love this one."

He put the movie in and we settled in on opposite sides of the couch to watch it. I leaned against the side of the couch and found myself overwhelmed by exhaustion remembering the fitful night of sleep from the night before. I fell asleep on Josh's couch, and I awoke to Josh shaking me awake. I sat up and looked around and saw that it was dark outside. "What time is it?"

"Just after five, I'm sorry if you're late but I let you sleep cause you looked like you could use it."

"No it's fine," I said groggily. Josh moved over closer to me where I sat on the couch.

"Tyler. Where did that bruise on your face come from?"

I looked down on my lap, not wanting to sell my brother out, because no matter how much my brother had hurt me I couldn't bring myself to hate him for what he'd done to me. "My brother hit me last night, but it's okay I'm fine."

"If you're fine then why were you crying this morning?"

"Because I hate my life," I said breaking down in tears. "My brother hit me and I miss him, I miss when he was nice to me and yet I still love him even though he hurts me and does drugs. Not one person in the entire world loves me. I feel so alone. I don't see any point to living and I'm going to kill myself someday, I just have to work up the courage."

Josh reached over and pulled me into his arms and I collapsed against him, almost forgetting this was the boy I had a huge crush on and instead regarded it as a hug from someone who cared. He was obligated to invite me into his home and hold me while I cried but he was doing it. He was an amazing person, I didn't deserve to know such an amazing person.

"Please don't kill yourself Tyler, things are bad now but all situations are temporary. Things will change eventually and even though it's hard you have me now. I'll be here for you." I pulled away from him and saw that his brown eyes were moist with tears as well. I'm sure I looked like a mess, my eyes always got puffy and red when I cried. I looked down on the floor to see his cat sitting there staring at us. "Hey Wolfgang," Josh said smiling down at his cat. "Tyler this is Wolfgang, Wolfgang this is Tyler."

I giggled softly at his goofy introduction of me to his cat. "Hi Wolfgang." I said quietly waving at the cat. He jumped up onto the couch between me and Josh and rubbed his face against mine.

"He likes you," Josh said smiling. "Wolfgang is a very good judge of character and if you've passed his test then its official we can be friends. Wolfgang has to approve all my friendships." I giggled at Josh's antics and gave Wolfgang and pet on the head making him purr. I smiled at the cute calico cat.

"You should smile more Tyler, you're cute when you smile."

I'm cute when I smile?


	6. Ch 6 - A Separate Peace

I don't know why I called Tyler cute. Tyler was a boy, I wasn't supposed to call boys cute. Why I had I said that? I knew why, because I thought he was cute. When he smiled his cheeks scrunched up and his eyes squinted a little and he looked cute. I could say a boy was cute, couldn't I? It's the twenty-first century, I can be secure in my sexuality and call a boy cute. It was fine, I reassured myself. I wasn't gay or anything, I was just being nice. I was just being a nice completely heterosexual male complimenting a friend.

Tyler looked at me for a moment before suddenly becoming very interested in his jacket sleeve, his smile disappeared. I coughed uncomfortably and decided to just let the moment pass without any awkward conversation. "Um I can give you a lift home now, if you need to go."

"Yeah that'd be good thanks," he said in a timid voice still overly interested in his jacket sleeve. I rose from the couch and he tried to follow up after me but he was sunk too far into the cushy couch. I couldn't help but laugh aloud at his attempts to stand from the couch. "Here," I said offering out my hand to pull him up. He hesitated a moment before grabbing my hand. His small hand fit inside of mine, I grabbed onto him and easily pulled him from the sofa, it didn't feel like he was much more than a hundred pounds.

"Thanks," he said standing still clutching onto my hand.

"No problem," I said standing there awkwardly not letting go of his hand and him not removing his hand from my grip. The sound of the cat meowing startled us and I dropped his hand from mine and turned to the cat beside me. "Let's go," I said ignoring the cat's meows for attention and turning in an attempt to avoid contact with Tyler. We walked to the car in silence and sat in the car in silence for most of the ride. The only time we spoke was when I asked him for directions and he gave the directions.

I dropped him off with a goodbye and a promise to meet tomorrow during last period. I sat in the driveway until I saw him walk safely into the house. I was struck with the state of his house. It looked pretty run down, like it had long since seen better days. The white paint was peeling off revealing the wood beneath it, and the steps leading up the porch sagged precariously looking like they could just collapse at any moment. I put the car in reverse and back out of his driveway and drove home in the dark thinking about the small boy with the cute smile.

The next day I walked into school and was met by my Debby waiting by my locker. She gave me a peck on the lips and launched right into a story about something that happened last night at cheer leading practice. Apparently our argument was completely forgotten to her and I wasn't going to bring it back up, I'm not stupid. I nodded along to her conversation which sounded pretty petty but I nodded and made remarks at all the right parts, acting like I really cared about petty drama. I walked with her to her first period class and then left and raced to my own class hoping not to be late.

I wasn't late at all, the teacher had yet to appear thankfully. I walked in and immediately my friends hollered at me and waved me over with news about our upcoming game. I took and seat and paid attention to all my friends chattering around me. I managed to sneak a peek at the back of the room, looking intently for the familiar hooded figure of Tyler. There he sat head bowed as if he were praying and his hood up. I stared at him for a moment and he looked up and met my eyes. A small smile appeared on his lips and I grinned back, glad to see his face contorted into a look of happiness as opposed to sadness.

"Dude, what do you think," my buddy Jared asked me interrupting my train of that as my head snapped back to my friends?

"About what?"

"Meeting after practice today to go to the diner for dinner."

"Oh yeah sure that sounds great," I said agreeing more so out of guilt for ignoring the conversation than actual interest the greasy food of the diner we always had team dinners at. At that the conversation continued on with only minimal input from me until the teacher showed up running a few minutes late with the excuse of road construction for his tardiness. I didn't look back at Tyler again.

I didn't see Tyler again until last period of the day, I walked into the library and saw him sitting at the same table I had chose last time. I walked over and greeted him, he returned the greeting with a quietly muttered hello. "How's it going," I asked as I took a seat across from him and unzipped my backpack to pull out some books.

"Good."

"Great," I said laying out all the books in front of me. "So what do you want to work on today, I suppose we should get some studying done."

"I don't know...um maybe English, we're reading A Separate Peace and I'm not sure I get it."

"Oh cool, that's a good book. I remembering reading it, so what part are you on?"

"Er I think Phinney's just died."

I nodded and asked if he had the book with him, he nodded and reached into his backpack and pulled out a very worn paperback copy of the book. "So what exactly is troubling you about the book?"

"Reading it."

"Are you being a smart ass," I asked chuckling?

"Maybe. I hate reading, it's difficult. When I read the words keep jumbling up and I can never understand what's going on."

"Are you dyslexic?"

"What's that?"

"Its a learning disability where your brain will swap around words and letters making it difficult to read. A lot of people have it and are really advanced readers, it just takes some extra work to learn."

"I think I'm just stupid."

"Dude you're definitely not stupid. I'm here to help you, it may take some work but your going to see that you're smart. Some people just need more work to learn than others it doesn't make you stupid." He shook his head like he didn't believe me but it just made me more determined to prove him wrong. I reached across the table and grabbed his book and cracked it open to the last marked page and handed it back to him. I got and went to sit beside him on the other side of the table. "Okay start reading aloud to me, go slowly and I'll stop you anytime you mess up and we'll work on it. And anytime you have questions just stop and ask alright?"

"Sure."

The bell rang signaling the end of the day and we packed up our things. It had gone pretty well, I'd been surprised at how well he was coming along after only forty minutes. Tomorrow we were going to work on math and he warned me he was dreadful at math but I told him not to worry. We parted ways with a smile and a wave and I made my way to the other side of the school to the locker room to get changed for soccer practice.


	7. Ch 7 -I Won't Let Them Hurt You

I stumbled as I walked down the hallway towards the stairs, I felt faint. It had been awhile since I'd last eaten, I often forgot to eat or when I was hungry we didn't have any food. I carefully made my way down the stairs holding on tightly to the hand railing. I walked into the kitchen and searched through the cupboards for any food we might have. They were all empty except for one which was filled with booze. The fridge contained only some spoiled milk, a six pack of beer, and a brick of cheese with mold growing on it. I shut the fridge with an exasperated sigh and peaked into the living room where my dad was smoking a cigarette and watching TV.

If he was awake then I could try and steal money from him to go buy food. I slipped out of the house and started walking down the street. Sometimes when I needed money I would go to the laundromat and check around for change in the machines and on the floor. I could usually find a couple dollars anytime I went there. The laundromat was empty when I arrived and I made quick work of checking all the machines and scanning the floor for any loose change. I managed to scrounge up two dollars and fifty cents.

Then I walked just down the street to the gas station and bought a small bag of potato chips and a chocolate bar. I still had twenty five cents left and I tucked that in my pocket for safe keeping. I left the shop and tore open the chocolate bar and took a big bite, my mouth watering. I kept my head down and hurriedly ate my chocolate bar as I walked in the direction of home.

"Hey faggot," a voice called out from behind me. Me being the idiot I am stopped and turned in the direction of the voice. It was Kevin one of my more frequent tormentors. I stood frozen in place, I could hear my heart thudding in my ears. He approached me until he was mere inches away from me and staring down at me. "It's always so nice to see you Tyler, how ya been," he asked me heavy sarcasm leaking from his voice? "You know it's rude not to look at someone when they're speaking to you," he said grabbing onto my face and forcing me to look up at him. "Aw did someone hurt your face?"

He stroked the bruise covering my face and seemingly without warning slapped me across the face sending me to the ground. He lifted his leg and kicked me in the stomach while I lay on the ground clutching my face. The kick knocked the wind out of me and I lay there struggling to catching my breath when he kicks me again this time in the face. I hear the crunch of my nose breaking and feel the wetness that was blood pouring from my face before I felt the incredible pain.

Satisfied at the sight of my blood he bends down and picks up my bag of chips from where I'd dropped them on the ground. "Thanks," he said opening the bag and shoving a handful of them in his mouth before turning to walk away. I lie on the quiet street in the darks crying and clutching my bloody face in pain. If I thought it couldn't get any worse I was wrong because just then it started to rain. I stood up and wiped my face off with my sleeve, and pulled my hood back up and started walking home.

I didn't go to school the next day. I couldn't face Josh. My entire face was covered in purple bruises and my one eye was swollen so much that I could hardly see out of it. I'd bandaged up my broken nose the best I could but it just looked really really bad. I took a bunch of pain pills, more than I should have and I laid in bed all day not feeling anything. It was great.

I didn't go to school the next day either, and it was in times like this that I could at least be thankful that I had a father who didn't give a fuck about me. I laid in bed the duration of the second day as well and I was sure that I would miss a third day as well because my face still hadn't noticeably healed at all. I wasn't asleep, but I wasn't fully conscious when I heard a knock on the door around three o'clock in the afternoon.

My dad wasn't home, so I got up from the bed and went downstairs to see who it was. I peeked out the window and stopped in my tracks when I saw that it was Josh standing at my front door. He knocked once more and walked to the door and pulled it open just a crack. "What do you want," I hissed trying to keep my face hidden.

"Whoa dude, calm down. I just came by to see why you've been absent the last two days, wanted to make sure you were still alive."

"Well I'm fine, it was just a stomach bug," I said shutting the door.

His foot blocked me from closing it entirely, if you're fine then why don't you open up the door so I can see you?"

I had no comeback for this and I stood quiet against the door until he gently began to push the door inward and I let him open it. He gasped when he saw my face and tears flooded to my eyes. "Tyler...I...what…" He stuttered but then stopped and grabbed me, pulling me into his embrace. He held me in his arms and I cried on his shoulders. When I looked up I saw that he had tears in his eyes as well. "Why are you crying," I asked him, sniffling a bit.

"Because you're in pain, you have so much pain and you deserve none of it. You're so innocent and beautiful and the world is fucked up to make you go through this."

"I accepted that the world was fucked up a long time ago," I said bitterly still cradled in his arms not wanting to move anytime soon.

He stared down at me, his eyes filled with sadness, until suddenly he gently grabbed my chin and tilted my head upwards and his lips came down and touched mine ever so softly. The kiss was quick, it was soft, and it was warm. His lip left mine but his hand remained holding chin and I stared up into his eyes. I didn't move and neither of us said as word. Instead he leaned down again and touched his lips to mine again, this time they remained on mine longer. I intensified the kiss, leaning into him, moving my lips against his his hands gripped my waist gently pulling me closer to him.

We broke apart both breathing a bit heavily. "I-I- I think I would like to do that again sometime," Josh said.

"Yeah, that would be good with me," I said quietly, feeling as though if I spoke too loudly then I might wake up and realize that this is all a dream. I leaned my head and nuzzled into his chest and he wrapped his arms around me holding me to him. "I won't let anyone hurt you Tyler."


	8. Ch 8 - Where My Heart Is

"Stop moving." I said laughing at the way Tyler face scrunched up as I tried to apply makeup to his face.

"It tickles though," he giggled as I dragged the brush across his cheeks.

"I'm almost done just try and be still for one more minute," I replied concentrating on covering up the worst of the now mostly faded bruises so Tyler could go back to school. Once I was happy with my work I placed the concealer back in my mom's make up bag and handed Tyler a mirror so he could see himself. "What do ya think," I asked?

"It looks great, thanks Josh."

"No problem, Ty. Anything for you."

"I really appreciate it."

"Don't mention it," I said as I reached and pulled him onto my lap and held him in my arms. He leaned his head against my chest and I smiled looking down at his content face. I didn't know what I was doing but it felt right. I was just winging it and I never winged anything. But my feelings for the boy in my arms, seemed to make all common sense evaporate from my mind. I was running on instinct now. And my instinct was to hold the beautiful boy in my arms and to kiss him. So I did.

I leaned my head down and touched my lips to his and he leaned into the kiss deepening it. I could have sat here for a lot longer kissing him but we had to get to school. "Ty," I said breaking apart from him. "We've got to get to school."

"Ugh do we have to go?"

"Yes I'm afraid so," I said standing up and pulling him up as well.

I drove us to school, and dropped Tyler off by the front doors before going to park my car in the student lot. I walked inside and went to my locker to get a few things that I needed for class. I was just closing my locker when someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned to see Debby. My girlfriend. She smiled at me and leaned and planted a kiss on my lips before I could even speak. "Hey babe."

"Hey Debs."

"So tonight after school do you wanna go out to dinner and maybe catch a movie, it's been forever since we've had a Friday date night."

"Oh um I don't think tonight's gonna work out."

"Okay what about tomorrow night."

"Um I don't know yet, I'll text you and let you know."

"Sounds good baby," she said wrapping herself around me as we walked towards her homeroom class. "I've missed hanging out with you, we haven't had any alone time in forever," she said looking up at me from under her eyelashes.

"I gotta get to class," I said when we got to her classroom, I turned in the other direction and raced away from her ignoring her comments. I could feel it now, an immense guilt for cheating on Debby. I hadn't even thought of her when I kissed Tyler. I felt like an awful human being. I had two choices, I could either break up with Debby and be with Tyler and get to kiss him whenever I wanted. Or I needed to cut off whatever sort of relationship I had with Tyler and be faithful to Debby. Both options were painful to me. But just the thought of not being able to hold Tyler on my lap and kiss him and protect him, that option hurt the most. And it was that desolate feeling that that thought provoked that made my decision scarily easy.

I was going to leave my girlfriend for a boy. But not just any boy, Tyler. And somehow at the absurdity of the situation it wasn't that scary because it just felt so right. It felt so right to love Tyler. It was early to call these feelings love but it was headed in that direction. I walked into the classroom and right away my eyes went to the back of the room where he sat. I couldn't help but smile in his direction and it warmed my heart to see that he gave a shy little smile in return. And in that moment all I really wanted to do was kiss those lips.

I walked over and took my seat and got caught up in my friend's conversation. I didn't see Tyler again until the last period of the day when we met in the library. We took our seats next to each other at our table and Tyler pulled out his math textbook. We worked on actual schoolwork for the majority of the period, but I couldn't resist cracking stupid jokes here and there that would make Tyler erupt in a fit of adorable giggles. When the bell rang we walked to my car together and I drove us back to my house. I told Tyler to go on into the living room while I grabbed us drinks and a snack.

I went in and saw him sunken in the couch cushion and I went and sat beside him and pulled him onto my lap. He snuggled into me and I wrapped my arms around him and it was in this moment that I could breath a sigh of relief. "Did anybody give you a hard time today?"

"No, it was okay. Nobody paid me any mind."

"Good," I said leaning down and planting a kiss on his head. I breathed in the smell of his coconut shampoo. I reached over and picked up the can of coke and opened one and handed it to Tyler and then I opened one for myself. I gave Tyler the bag of chips to hold and we sat there eating and watched TV for a bit. It was nice to just hang out with him, and to feel him breathing softly and contently. I hated to have to end our time together but when five o'clock rolled around I had to drive Tyler back home. I dropped him and gave him a quick kiss before he got out of the car.

"Bye Ty," I said waving as he walked up to his house.

"Bye Josh."

I drove home thinking about how I was going to break up with Debby. I didn't want to hurt her but I suppose that was inevitable now. It made me sad, the idea of having to hurt her. But I knew where my heart was and it was no longer with Debby, it was at one time but no more. Now my heart was with an adorable, shy, tiny, boy named Tyler Joseph. And I had to smile at that.


	9. Ch 9 - Official Boyfriends

It must have been well past midnight, I didn't have a clock to look at though. I lie awake on my bed thinking about Josh. More specifically the fact that whatever we were doing was really confusing to me. I knew he had a girlfriend and yet he was kissing me, not to complain because I really really liked kissing him. But he was cheating on his girlfriend with me, and while I didn't consider myself to be one of terribly high morals it felt wrong. I toiled with the thought in my mind. I could stop Josh from kissing me, especially if he was just going through some experimental phase then he would dump me at the first opportunity.

But he made me really happy. He was nice to me in a way no one had ever been before and in the back of my mind I knew he wasn't just using me to experiment because he wouldn't do that. Joshua Dun was too nice to even think of doing something like that. But it still didn't sit well me and I sat up frustrated and upset with myself. I got up from the bed and went to my dresser and pulled out my razor blades from where they were hidden among my socks.

I needed to make the thoughts go away, the bad thoughts were coming again and I knew of the way to get rid of them. I looked down at the sharp metal objects in my hands and stared at them for a moment. Thinking of the countless times before that they had sunken into my skin and caused me pain, but at the same time making me feel better. It was fucked up I knew that but then again, I was the definition of fucked up in every sense of the word.

I clutched the blades in my hand, the cold metal pressing against my flesh. I carried them to the bathroom right down the hall and stood in front of the sink. I avoided meeting my gaze in the mirror hanging above the sink, I didn't like looking at my face. I set one of the blades down on the sink, keeping the bigger of the two in my hand. I pushed up the shirt sleeve of my left arm all the way up to my elbow revealing exactly three faded lines.

I didn't cut my arms that much, preferring to do it on my thighs because they were easier to hide. But both of my thighs were extremely cut up and I needed more clear skin to cut. I ran my cold, bony fingers across the pre-existing scars on my arms and shivered at my cold touch. The blade would be colder. And sharper.

I sucked in a shaky breath, and raised the blade in my hand and pressed it against my flesh, gently at first. Then I began to apply pressure to the blade pressing it into my skin until it broke flesh and blood rose to the surface. I held my arm over the sink and watched the blood run down my arm and into the sink where it washed down the drain. I held onto my now bloody razor and moved it to a new place on my arm and this time wasted no time in cutting into my skin and breaking it open.

I watched the two open wounds on my arms bleed for a long time, in a blissful mind numbing trance as I did so. The only thing on my mind in that moment was the feeling of pain, all the bad thoughts disappeared and I was happy. Eventually I snapped out of it and ran water over my new scars until the blood stopped and I pulled my sleeve down and back to bed. I fell asleep with the slight sting of pain still emanating from my arm.

I awoke the next morning and ventured quietly downstairs and made it to the kitchen undetected and got a drink of water from the sink. I then peeked into the living and saw that my dad was passed out in his usual spot. His wallet was sitting on the table beside his chair, I eyed it for a moment and listened to make sure he was snoring. If he was snoring then I knew he was in a deep enough sleep that I could go in there and not wake him.

I crept around the doorway and into the living room, the TV was on and blaring some early morning news show. I silently made my way over to the table and picked up his wallet and made quick work of looking inside and grabbing ten dollars out of it. He never noticed when I took money, probably because he was drunk most of the time, either way I was thankful. I pocketed the money and ran back upstairs to my room.

I passed away the first part of the day upstairs in my room writing in my notebook. Until I heard a knock on the door, I figured my dad was probably still passed out and wouldn't hear it so I went downstairs to answer it. I saw Josh standing outside my door and I nervously pushed down my long sleeves making sure my arms were covered.

"Hey Josh," I said stepping outside on the porch with him and shutting the door behind me as to not alert my father.

"Hey Ty, why'd you come out here?"

"Oh um my dad's asleep, I don't want to wake him."

"Oh okay, um I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies with me today at three o'clock."

"Oh um well, I don't think I can, I don't really have any money," I told him biting my lip nervously because I felt bad admitting the truth to him.

"Don't worry about the money, I'll pay for you."

"Look Josh, I don't think I can go with you. I don't know what we're doing but whatever it is it has to stop because you can't kiss me while you're dating Debby."

He got a look on his face when I said her name, and it looked guilty but then he smiled. "I know it was wrong, and it wasn't fair to either of you. So last night I broke up with Debby. For you. I want you. I want to know if you'll be my boyfriend, officially?"

I smiled at this news and shook my head yes in response to his question. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up in a hug. "So will you go to the movies with me today, like on a date?"

"Yes," I said quietly overwhelmed with excitement.

"Awesome," he said before leaning down to give me a quick kiss on the lips.

"Just let me run in and get my shoes and then we can go," I said as he let go of my waist so I could go inside. I ran upstairs slipped into my favorite black converse and raced back downstairs and out the door. He was waiting for me by the passenger door, I walked up to the door and he opened it for me and once I sat down he closed the door and raced around the driver's side and then we were off, on the way to my first date with my boyfriend.


	10. Ch 10 - We're All Broken

We walked hand in hand out of the movie theaters under the cover of the night that had fallen. Tyler walked close to me, nestled into my side so that I could feel the warmth of him through my t-shirt. I didn't want the night to end so I suggested we go for walk to the park. It was a slightly chilly fall night but the last of that summer warmth was still hanging by a thread making it bearable. We took our time walking through town, it was oddly quiet for a Saturday night but we enjoyed the solitude.

The park was beautiful, located in the center of town right on the Raquette river. Several tiny islands dotted the river and across the river was the view of the old Bayside Cemetery. We sat down in the park on a bench overlooking river in time to catch the last bit of the sun set. It was all quite romantic and I wrapped my arm around Tyler's shoulder and he tucked into my side. It was perfect.

"Did you have a good time," I asked Tyler, looking down to see his face which was dimly lit from a nearby street lamp.

"It was awesome, Josh. Thank you so much."

"I should be thanking you, for saying yes to the date in the first place. I can't believe you want to be my boyfriend."

"Josh, I can't believe that you want to be my boyfriend. I feel so inconsequential compared to you. You're captain of the soccer, team a star athlete and one of the most popular guys at school. And me, while I'm just some fucked up loser who's basically worthless and will probably never achieve anything in life."

"Tyler," I said facing him and meeting his eyes which searched my own. "Tyler I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, because what I see is someone who is amazing, and sweet, and kind. You are far from fucked up, we're all dealing with demons and maybe yours are bigger than most people's but you are so strong because you've dealt with so much and yet you're still here, you're still standing. We're all broken people, but that doesn't mean that together we can't be whole." I saw a tear slip from his eye and I leaned down a wiped it away with my thumb.

"I feel like I'm always crying around you."

"That's okay, I feel honored that you feel comfortable enough to cry around me, never feel ashamed of needing to let it out."

"I feel really lucky to have you Josh. If I didn't have you I think I would be dead by now. But I'm alive and I'm happy that I'm alive and that I'm with you."

"I'm happy that you're alive to I said wrapping my arms around him tightly, never wanting to let go because I was afraid that if I did he would disappear. I leaned down and tentatively touched my lips to his and we kissed under the moonlight. The kiss was soft and gentle and reassuring to both of us.

We sat there under the stars and the moon for hours sometimes talking, sometimes not. When we got up to walk back to my car I saw Tyler shiver a bit in the brisk night air. Neither of us had jackets so I wrapped my arm around him and held him close. "Here," I said taking off my favorite snapback and putting it on his head. "I know it would be more romantic to give you my jacket but I don't have one so take my hat"

He laughed at me put reached up to adjust the hat on his head with a little smirk on his face. I smiled at him and he reached up and gave me a peck on the lips. "Thanks Josh."

"You're welcome Tyler," I said leaning down to give him a peck on the lips. I drove Tyler home and we had a brief yet passionate goodbye kiss before he got out of the car. I sat there in the car watching him walk up to the porch and inside. He was still wearing my hat.


	11. Ch 11 - Josh Dun's Tongue

When I was little my favorite holiday was Thanksgiving. I guess it was strange for me to prefer Thanksgiving over Christmas, because what kid didn't love presents. I loved presents but as a child I was terrified of Santa. The thought of a stranger, even one bearing gifts breaking into my house in the middle of the night while we slept was daunting to me. It was actually a relief to me when I found out that Santa wasn't real, I enjoyed Christmas much more after that. But I still loved Thanksgiving the most.

We always had family over on Thanksgiving, all the cousins would come over and we would divide up into age groups. The older kids would be in the living room with all the men, playing cards. Us younger kids would be upstairs in my bedroom, playing board games and generally messing around and having all sorts of fun. My mom and grandma and all my aunts would be in the kitchen cooking and gabbing away. Every few minutes loud bursts of laughter would erupt from the kitchen, I always wondered what they were laughing about. Of course my favorite part was the dinner, the table overflowing with food and my entire family sat around the table together and happy. A few of my uncles would be a little tipsy and my one cousin Jared was usually high but we were all together and happy.

We would always do that cheesy thing where we would go around the table and each person would say something they were thankful for. My mom would always go first, and every year she said she was thankful that everyone was healthy, my grandma was always thankful for her loving grandchildren, and my uncle Ivan was always thankful for cheap booze. While everyone was taking their turn I would be sat in my chair racking my brain for something to say. At the last Thanksgiving I remember I said I was thankful for being together with my family. Then my dad would cut the turkey and we'd all dig in like it was our last meal gorging ourselves on turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes. Little did I know it was the last time we would all be together like this.

I hadn't had a proper Thanksgiving in years, in fact the day usually passed without any recognition by anyone in the house. I was usually pretty depressed that day because my mind would be flooded with past memories that were no more. The sadness was always particularly overwhelming that day, last year the only time I got out of bed was to cut myself.

It was only two days until Thanksgiving and I was already feeling pretty down about it. Josh noticed one day when we were sat in the library talking while I packed up my things as we were about to leave. "Do you have any plans for Thanksgiving," Josh asked me, the innocent question stabbing me like a knife in the chest? I swallowed loudly, trying to compose myself so that I could respond. "No not really," I said noncommittally, trying my best to hold back the sadness that was festering in my chest and threatened to burst forth like lava erupting from a volcano. I need my blades.

"Babe what's wrong," Josh asked me in a hushed worried tone.

"Nothing."

"Yes there is Ty, tell me what's wrong so that I can fix it for you babe."

"Its just thinking about the holiday makes me miss the way they used to be. I haven't celebrated Thanksgiving in years."

"Aw baby," Josh said pulling me into his strong arms. "I can fix that easily enough, come to my house for Thanksgiving. It's usually a small dinner, just my parents, my brother and his girlfriend, but I know my parents wouldn't mind you joining us at all. I'd love to spend Thanksgiving with you babe, I make mean mashed potatoes."

I grinned up at my adorable butt head of a boyfriend and unthinkingly reached up and gave him a tiny peck on the lips. He kissed me back for a moment before we both broke apart suddenly and looked nervously around the empty library before breathing a sigh of relief. "I'd love that Josh."

"Great, I'll make sure we set an extra place at the table, right next to me of course so we can hold hands under the table. Now I want to see you smiling, you're adorable when you smile Tyler."

We got up from the table when the bell rang and we walked to Josh's car, Josh waving goodbye to a few of his teammates as we passed by them. We got in his car and he drove us to his house, which was our routine on the days that Josh didn't have soccer practice, we would go hang out at his house. Josh pulled in his driveway and we walked hand in hand inside his house. As soon as the door was shut he had me pushed up against the wall his lips on mine, gentle but firm.

His hands gripped the side of my face gently holding our mouths together. His smell was intoxicating, his touch rendering my legs useless at holding myself up, luckily he held me. Our lips moved against one another in unison. I felt his tongue on my lips tracing them, intoxicating me with the taste of him. His tongue entered my mouth and I let out an involuntary moan at the way he was making me feel. "Baby," he said breathlessly his lips not leaving my body, but moving to my neck. "How about we take this to my room?" He didn't give me a chance to respond as he easily scooped me up in his arms and all but ran up the stairs. I didn't mind though, it's not like I would have refused. Not in a million years.


	12. Ch 12 - Smut Happened

My thoughts were consumed by Tyler Joseph. His smell, his taste, the feel of his skin so soft against mine. It was all completely overwhelming and it had me flying on cloud nine. I scooped him up in my arms, and ran with him in my arms upstairs to my room. My room was the second door on the left, I pushed through the door and walked over to my bed and lay him down on it. I stood there for just a moment looking at him lying on my bed, eyes closed, mouth slightly ajar, face flushed red. Beautiful.

I climbed onto the bed, holding myself up over him, my face just inches above his. "Tyler," I spoke softly, causing his eyes to open and meet mine. "I just thought that I should tell you that you look absolutely breathtaking right now."

"Shut up," he said smirking.

"Make me."

His arms stretched up, grabbing me around the neck and pulled my face back to his and our lips met once again in a passionate fury. A fiery Tyler was just about the hottest thing I'd ever experienced in my life. Our mouths moved in perfect synchronization against each other. I moaned into his mouth, a feeling of electric current buzzing through my body making me feel alive. I wanted to touch him, to run my hands over his entire body memorizing each inch of him. "Ty," I said panting, moving my lips off of his for a moment to speak. His lips moved to my neck and a shudder ran through my body as his teeth nipped at the sensitive skin on my neck. "Ty can I touch you?"

"Fuck yes."

That's all it took for me to reach down and grab the hem of his t shirt, ripping it off of his body and then taking off my own shirt. My lips moved down from his neck to his chest, lapping my tongue over every inch of his beautiful physique. I smiled when I felt him tense up beneath me as I ran my tongue over his nipples, he was like putty in my hands. I let my hand wander down lower to his waist, where I grabbed him in my hand through his pants, he was already half hard and I had to let out a groan at the feeling of my own pants tightening at just the feel of him in my hand.

I fumbled around and undid the button of his pants and slid the zipper down and then I reached inside of his boxers and grabbed him. An involuntary moan escaped his lips and I smiled and kissed him on the lips as I worked on him. "Come on baby, I'm gonna make you feel so good."

I moved down his body until I was crouched at his feet, I pulled down his pants and boxers in one sweep exposing his hard dick to the air. "Oh fuck," he exclaimed as I bent my head down and took the head of his cock in my mouth. He tasted amazing, I was surrounded by his essence and I was entranced. I ran my tongue around the head of his dick and delighted at the way he kept muttering and exclaiming aloud with pleasure that I was giving him.

I took a bit more of him in my mouth and lapped up the precome that leaked from him. It tasted salty and odd but it wasn't entirely unpleasant. "Ugh, Josh, I-I- I'm gonna come."

I let his hard dick slide out of my mouth and moved back up and attacked his mouth fervently with my own. Neither of us keeping very quiet as I worked on him with my hand, our lips never leaving the other's body for a moment. He came suddenly without warning, his warm come covering his stomach and my own. He lay there for a moment breathless until he sat up and pushed me down on the bed and clambered on top of me. "Your turn."

I lie there motionless as he unbuckled my jeans and pushed them down revealing my hard dick to the air. "Oh fuck, you're so big Josh," He said moaning at the site of me, and I have to admit that I bit back a bit of a smile because isn't that every man's dream to hear. He wasted no time in lowering himself down and taking me in his mouth. I almost came the second I felt his mouth on me, so warm and wet. He amazingly took most of me in his mouth rather quickly moving his tongue around my dick, making me squirm with pleasure. I screamed aloud when I felt the head of my dick hit the back of his throat, I couldn't believe he took me that far. "Oh fuck!"

I didn't last long after that, I told him I was about to come, and he didn't move. I came with a quaking breath, spilling into his mouth, with a feeling of disbelief as I watched him swallow every drop of my seed, with a glimmer of pride in his eyes. "Jesus fucking Christ get up here," I said pulling him up into my arms after he let my spent cock slide out of his mouth. "How the fuck are you so good at that?" I asked breathlessly, holding him in my arms as his naked chest touched mine.

"You're not the first dick I've sucked."

"Oh," I said surprised to hear that. "Well then you'll have to give me some tips, the whole gay sex thing is rather new to me."

"I'd be happy to do that," he said giggling, his head tucked into my chest. I let out a small laugh at the sight of him and wrapped my arms around him as we lay there in post orgasmic bliss.


	13. Ch 13 - Fall Away

I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom and avoided meeting my eyes. I patted down my hair and straightened out my shirt. It was the nicest shirt I owned, it was a plain white button up, and I wore a thin back tie that had been my brother's, and a nicer pair of dark skinny jeans that didn't have any holes in them. I hoped it was nice enough, I wanted to make a good impression on Josh's parents, they may not know that I was Josh's boyfriend but I desperately wanted them to like me. I was afraid that if they didn't like me then Josh was break up with me.

I felt nervous, my palms were a little sweaty, the urge to cut was intense but I didn't have time, Josh was coming to pick me up in ten minutes. I sighed and wiped my sweaty palms on my pant legs. Josh had told me countless times that his parents would love me, but I knew I had the ability to fuck it up in some way. I sank to the floor, panicking at the thought of fucking it up and losing Josh. If I lost Josh I would be all alone again, just like before. Except before I had never known the joy of friendship so I didn't miss it. But I knew what real happiness was now and if I lost him then I would break, I knew I would finally fall away - completely.

I clutched my face in my hands, hyperventilating as silent tears streamed down my face. God I felt like such a fuck up. I hated myself. I ruined everything. I deserved to die. I sure as hell didn't deserve Josh. I should just kill myself and save him the trouble of having to deal with me any longer. I couldn't go to Thanksgiving at his house, I needed to go find some pills. I needed to fall away.

Great heaving sobs racked my body, and I sat there crying and ignored the sound of knocking on the door. I was crying so hard that I didn't notice the sound of footsteps on the stairs. I didn't even see him standing there, I just felt a pair of arms wrap around me and I collapsed into them. "Ty, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry Josh, I can't go to dinner. I don't want your parents to hate me, and they will and then you'll break up with me, and I don't want to be all alone again, because I love you and losing you would kill me, and I'm sorry for being such a fuck up."

"Ty...you love me?"

I froze in place, the words had just slipped out, I didn't mean to say that. I did love him, but I didn't mean to tell him. He probably didn't feel the same way and I had just freaked him out. I didn't speak. "Tyler, I love you too, so much. Tyler, look at me." He said pulling my face up to meet his, he wiped a tear from my cheek.

"Tyler, first I love you and I sure as hell am not going to break up with you. Second, my parents are going to love you, you know why? Because your amazingly sweet and kind and have a smile that lights up a room. You make me happy and I want you to meet them. Third, you are the most amazing person I know, you've been through so much shit and somehow you're still this amazing, kind, beautiful, human being. You're strength is incredible."

"I don't deserve you," I said feeling incredulous at the words he spoke to me.

"You're right. You deserve much more than just me. You deserve the entire world, but if you'll take me, then I'd be the luckiest man in the world."

"I love you Josh," I told him beginning to tear up again.

"Hey hey, no more tears babe, we've got to get to dinner," he said before leaning to down to kiss the tears off my face. He stood up and pulled me up along with him, I grabbed a towel and wiped off my face. "Damn, my boyfriend cleans up well. You might have to lose the tie though."

"Why."

"Because you look so fucking sexy in it, I don't know if I can control myself around my parents."

I blushed at his words and took in what he was wearing. He had on a light blue button up shirt and a darker blue bow tie, and of course he wore a snap back backwards on his head, he had a hat for every occasion. "I could say the same about you in that bow tie," I said biting my lip and smiling up at him.

"Aw fuck, we should probably go before we start something that will delay us too long."

He grabbed my hand in his and we walked downstairs and out to his car and then we were off to his house for Thanksgiving dinner. I felt better now, still uneasy but better, all due to the fact the my hand rested in Josh's and I felt safe.


	14. Ch 14 - Thanksgiving and the Safe K

"Calm down Ty, they'll love you. I know they will, just wait and see."

He just nodded and took a deep breath, I let go of his hand which I had been holding and opened the door and walked in. "Mom, dad, I'm here with Tyler," I called out.

"Come on," I said leading Tyler through the house to the kitchen where everyone was. We walked in the kitchen, Tyler just a step behind me and I saw that my mom was standing at the counter next to my brother's girlfriend Hannah. My dad and my brother were across the room standing each with a drink in their hand.

They all stopped and looked at us as we walked in the room. "Everybody this is my friend Tyler." Everybody gave him a small wave. My mom walked up and pulled him in for hug, because that's just what she always did.

"It's so nice to meet you Tyler, Josh has told us a bit about you. It nice to put a face to the name, and what a handsome boy you are. We're so glad you're joining us for dinner this evening."

"Thank you for having me, Mrs. Dun," Tyler replied, a little taken aback by my mother's warm affection but a small smile played upon his lips.

"You're very welcome dear, and call me Lorraine, Mrs. Dun makes me feel so old."

My father came over and shook his hand, "Nice to meet you Tyler, I'm Derrick." Next my brother came over and introduced himself as Jordan and his girlfriend Hannah. Tyler was quiet and a little shy which was to be expected, but my family was respectful and didn't hound him with too many questions. We all stood around talking in the kitchen until my mom announced that dinner was almost ready. We all filed into the dining room and I grabbed Tyler's arm and pulled him over to a chair right next to me. I squeezed his hand under mine and gave him a reassuring smile before everyone came piling into the room to take their seats.

His hand slid out of mine and I moved my hands onto my lap. My family gathered around the table and once everyone was situated my mother spoke up and asked my father to say grace. Everyone reached to hold hands for grace and I held out one hand to Tyler and grabbed it and in my other hand I held Hannah's hand.

"Dear Lord thank you for this meal and the many blessings we've received this year. Thank you for keeping our family happy and healthy and may we be together again next year. Thank you for bringing us the new company of Tyler. Amen."

"Amen," We all repeated.

As we ate my brother, father, and I started a rather loud conversation about soccer as per usual. I tried my best to pull Tyler into the conversation as the topic switched from soccer to embarrassing childhood anecdotes told by my parents, much to my chagrin. "So when Josh was either three or four, I can't remember exactly. But anyway he was obsessed with wearing my high heels around the house with a long t shirt. He was adorable, click clacking around the house going on about how he looked just like mommie. It melted my heart."

Tyler grinned the whole time my mom told the story and when she finished he burst out laughing I shook my head, heat flooding to my face in utter embarrassment. "Ugh mom that's enough," I said disdainfully.

"No mom, do tell us another," my brother, Jordan said grinning at me with an evil smirk.

"Ah Jordan, I'm done embarrassing Josh in front of his friend, Tyler. Now it's your turn," she said with an evil smirk that matched the one that had been on his face just a moment before."

"Hannah did I ever tell you about the time when Jordan was little and he was playing with a little girl from down the block and they had decided to play dress up. Well it was all normal enough until she came into the kitchen where I was, in princess dress and with a very concerned expression on her face, asked me why Jordan had a tail."

The whole table erupted with laughter and I thought Tyler was just about crying he was laughing so hard. My brother covered his face with his hands and Hannah wrapped her arm around Jordan, grinning and whispered something in his ear that made his blush deepen even more. The rest of dinner passed with only slightly less antics until everyone had finished and dessert had been served. We all groaned as we stood from the table and wobbled into the living room and kitchen stomachs full from dinner and slightly sore from laughing so hard.

Tyler and I went into the living we sat next to each other on the couch, he sat at the very spot he'd sat the first time he came to my house and as always he sank into the cushion. We were all alone for a moment and I took advantage of it and leaned over to give Tyler a quick peck on the lips. "Josh your parents could walk."

"S'okay babe, it's fine. Are you having a good time? I told you my family would love you."

"Yeah I am, this is the most fun I've had in a long time, I really feel part of the family."

"Well you are. I love you and I know my family will in time as well. My mom's already smitten."  
"I love you Josh, thanks for being such an awesome boyfriend."

I laughed at his thanks, "you're welcome babe." I looked down at our legs which were touching and then down into Tyler's eyes which radiated happiness and contentment. I smiled and leaned down to kiss him. The kiss started out innocent enough, but as usual we got a little carried away and we broke apart and nervously smiled and straightened out are shirts. We shared a little smirk.

"Is is safe now," a voice called out from the room next door?

"What," I said my head snapping to the direction of the voice.

"Is the teenage make out session over or do I need to shield my eyes," my brother said poking his head in the doorway.

I looked over at Tyler who had a look of fear on his face and then back at my older brother who gave us a reassuring smile. "Don't worry dudes, it's all cool, your homosexual secret is safe with me little bro. Welcome to the family Ty, don't hurt my little brother or I'll have to cut off your balls." At this he turned and left the room with a smile and a wave leaving Tyler and I alone once again.


	15. Ch 15 - Waiting For Him to Leave

We stood in the kitchen about to leave, and I stood close to Josh but not _too_ close. Lorraine pulled me into another hug and I breathed in the smell of her gentle floral perfume that wafted to my nose bringing back memories of my mother. My mother's smell brought back so many childhood memories of sitting in her arms and feeling safe and secure. I liked hugging her, it was nice. I held out my hand to shake Derrick's but instead he pulled me into a hug. Everyone pulled me into a hug, and as we said our goodbye's and I thanked them profusely for having me over. Lorraine invited me over for dinner the following Sunday. It was almost impossible to hold back the tears that threatened to escape. But I did make it outside.

"See babe, I told you they would love you."

"Yeah you were right," I said sniffling a little as a tear rolled down my face.

"Aw babe, you okay," Josh asked putting his arm around my shoulder as we walked to his car.

"Yeah I'm just really happy, Josh. You're family is amazing, they were so nice to me and I can't believe they want me to come back again," I said snuggling against him until we had to break apart to get in his car.

"Well believe it, it's true baby. My mom will never let you go now."

He drove me home and I noticed that the house was dark and my dad's car was gone and I was happy not to have to see him. "Josh, do you want to come in for a bit?"

"Definitely, I don't want to leave you yet."

I held onto Josh's hand and pulled him after me as I led him to my bedroom. Once there I let go of his hand and ran to flop down on the bed. I rolled onto my side and lied there propped up on my shoulder, smiling mischievously. "Well what are you waiting for," I asked him, smirking at him where he stood in the doorway staring at me.

"I'm just admiring how fucking adorable my boyfriend is, is that a crime?"

"No, I suppose not but why don't you come join me on the bed. I can't kiss your face if your way over there."

"Well now I can't argue with that," he said grinning as he sauntered over to the bed and pushed me down before clambering on top of me. "You know that tie has had me all hot and bothered all night, I think we may have to do something about that."

"Yeah," I said breathlessly. "You should really do something about that."

His lips crashed to mine and he was in complete control as our lips moved against one another's. I moaned against his mouth as his tongue traced my lips and teased entrance into my mouth. I felt his hand move up and loosen the tie around my neck, he got it untied without his lips leaving mine. He set the tie on the bed beside us and unbuttoned my shirt exposing my chest. His lips moved down my chest making my skin tingle with an amazing sensation. I was dissolving under him and completely entranced by the feeling of his lips on my body flooding my body with a feeling of ecstasy.

That was until I heard the sound of a door slamming and immediately snapped out of it. Josh jumped off of me and I sat up, suddenly tense and on edge. "Hey fuckwad, I know you're home. It's not like you go anywhere, no one wants you around." My brother said.

I jumped off the bed, suddenly terrified and looked at Josh, unsure of what to do. Josh looked confused and then concerned when he saw my reaction. I could hear the sound of my brother stomping down the hallway, the smell of weed preceding him. "Hey Ty, I need cash," he said as he rounded the corner into my bedroom. He stopped short when he saw Josh standing there.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Josh, a friend of Tyler's, who the hell are you?"

"I'm Zack, Tyler's brother. I don't believe this, someone's desperate enough to be friends with my brother."

Zack took a step towards me, the smell of weed and alcohol radiated off of him. I stood there motionless, frozen in place as he approached me. "Woah dude, what the hell do you think you're doing," Josh said stepping in between my brother and I.

"This is none of your fucking business, he's my brother, fuck off."

"Yeah he's your brother, not your punching bag."

Zack got angry at this comment and lifted his fist to punch Josh, but before he could even throw the punch Josh struck him on the face sending him falling to the ground. "Stay the fuck away from Tyler, or else I'll do more than just this. If you ever fucking touch him again I will beat the fuck out of you and have you turned in for whatever the hell you're high off your ass on. Now get the fuck out."

He scurried up, hand clutching his bloody nose and scrambled out of the room. I stood there for a moment in shock. Josh turned to face me, his eyes wide with concern. "Are you alright Ty?" I just nodded feeling a sense of dread flooding me. Josh reached out and took me in his arms, I tucked myself into his arms, burying my face in his chest. I felt tears flooding to my eyes and I felt so frustrated with myself for always crying.

"It's okay Ty, he won't bother you again. If he does just tell me and I'll take care of him, you don't have to worry about him anymore."

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for? You didn't do anything."

"I'm sorry my brother ruined the night and that you had to do that."

"Tyler, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"How long has your brother been doing this to you?"

"I don't know," I said quietly. "A few years. It's actually not as bad as it used to be, he doesn't make me do stuff anymore."

"What stuff?"

I panicked. I hadn't meant to say that. It slipped out. I couldn't tell him about what my brother used to make me do. He would hate me. I already hated myself, I couldn't have him hate me too."

"Tyler," I jumped at the sound of my name. "What did he make you do? Tell me," he said sternly his voice quiet and commanding. His eyes bore into mine with nothing but love and concern, he still held me close.

"He, well only a few times. He made me do stuff with guys. He owed them money and he made me do stuff with them to pay off his debts. I was twelve. Please don't hate me," I whispered out as an after thought.

"Oh Tyler. Oh God. I love you so much, I could never hate you. You are so fucking strong, I don't know how I would handle what you've gone through and yet you're still here. I'm so amazed by you and I love you more every day that I spend with you."

He leaned down and kissed me. I kissed him back but I still felt numb. Dredging up all those memories of what I'd been forced to do tore at my mind. I needed to cut so badly, but I put on my game face and let Josh hold me. I would have to wait until he left. I wanted him to leave.


	16. Ch 16 - Ode to Sleep Pt 1

I lay in my room that night thinking about my boyfriend. I was concerned about him, I felt dread in my heart at the thought of what he'd had to endure throughout his life. I wanted to protect him so badly. I wanted to take him from that house and keep him with me where I could make him happy forever. I sighed to myself, there wasn't anything I could do about it right now. There came a knock on my door. "Who is it," I asked.

"Your favorite brother in the whole wide world."

"Come in."

"Hey little bro," Jordan said walking into my room and coming to sit beside me on the bed. "So you and Tyler huh?"

"Yeah," I said blushing at the thought of my brother catching us kissing earlier. "It's kind of a new thing, but it's pretty serious."

"Yeah I uh could see that. So the whole gay thing. How long has that been?"

"To be honest I'd never even looked at a guy in that way before Tyler. It's just him. I can't say I'm not still attracted to women at all, but my heart's definitely with him."

"Well bisexuality is a thing that exists, maybe you're bisexual or even just Tyler-sexual. Either way it doesn't really matter, you've got to live your life being happy."

"Yeah he does make me really happy. I don't know about the whole sexuality thing, but I'm not too bothered by it."

"There's no need to be, sexuality is fluid man, just go with the flow. I'll tell you a secret I've not ever told anyone except Hannah. I slept with a guy once freshman year of college. It was okay, he was a friend from the swim team but I realized it wasn't really my thing and I moved on."

"Woah you slept with a guy? Okay that's kind of weird for me. Is Hannah alright with that?"

"Of course, I told her and she was fine with it. She's pretty awesome. I think she's the one, I want to propose after we graduate and get jobs and settle down a bit."

"That's awesome bro. Hannah's a catch. I approve of her for a sister-in-law."

"Haha thanks for the vote of approval little bro. Well if you ever wanna talk just give me a call. Sleep well baby bro."

"You too," I said as he got up and left my room.

I lied back on the bed and tried to get some sleep, but it just wasn't coming very easily that night. I was too preoccupied with thoughts of Tyler. Finally I fell into a fitful sleep.


	17. Ch 16 - Ode to Sleep Pt 2

He left. I stood by the door and watched him go until he was out of sight. Then I stood there frozen in my place, the silence of the empty house was violent. The silence slammed into my frame and rattled my mind. My thoughts were always my enemy, hurting me at any chance they found. They hurt me now. My mind slipped back to that day when I was twelve years old.

My mom had just died six months ago. My father was drowning himself in booze and was gone most nights. My brother was still home with me though so I felt okay. Sometimes he acted strangely but he just missed mom like I did, it was to be expected. His friends came over a lot, they were loud and smelt strange but they were cool and let me hang out with them sometimes and it made me feel cool that older teenagers let me hang out with them.

Other times they would send me away and I would go upstairs to my room. But curiosity sometimes got the better of me and I would sneak down the hall and stand of the staircase and eavesdrop on their conversation. I could hear them doing things but I never saw any of it. I was naive. I had been up in my bedroom reading a book, I think it was around noon on a Saturday. Zack came up to my room and told me to get my shoes on because we were going somewhere. Without a word I set my book down and got up to put my sneakers on. I followed Zack outside and got in his truck.

"Where are we going," I asked innocently.

"Uh just to a friends house," Zack responded distractedly as he paid attention to the mirror while backing out of the driveway.

"Oh okay," I said staring out the window as he drove. It was a rainy day. That I remember crystal clear. The grey clouds were a bit of literary foreshadowing unknown to me in that moment. The ride took about thirty minute, my brother's 'friend' lived all the way across town. We pulled in the driveway of a rather old and worn down single story house. "Get out," my brother said not meeting my eyes as he got out of the truck himself.

I obediently did as he told and followed my brother up the cobblestone walk to the house. My brother knocked on the door a couple of times and no one answered it. "Vinny," my brother yelled. "It's me Zack, open the fucking door."

We heard some shuffling and the sound of something being knocked over before the door opened revealing who I later found out to be Vinny's brother Luke. "Are you the one here to pay off that debt with the kid?"

"Uh yeah, he's right here. This is my brother Tyler."

"What's going on," I asked confused about the situation, completely oblivious to what was happening.

"Nothing, uh you'll be staying here for a little while with Vinny and Luke here. I'll be back to pick you up later."

"Why do I have to stay here?"

"Because I fucking said so, okay. Don't ask so many goddamn questions," my brother snapped. He shoved me in front of him and Luke wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into the doorway with him.

"Don't worry Zack, after this you're debt will be cleared. The kid'll be fine, we'll call you when we're done."

Zack just nodded and turned and walked back to his truck, we stood there watching him go and his face remained stoic as he drove away. "Come on in kid, Tyler's your name, right?"

"Yeah. So you're a friend of Zack's," I asked as he lead me through the filthy home to the living room where he released his hold on my shoulder and told me to have seat on the couch. "Eh sort of, more like business associates but it really doesn't matter. Wait here, I gotta go get Vinny."

I sat on the couch slightly confused but blissfully unaware of what was about to happen. I looked around the dated house which looked like it was straight out of the seventies with it's orange shag carpet and dark wood paneling walls. There were no pictures on the wall and the room kind of stunk of an unidentifiable odor.

I heard the sound of voices coming down the hallway before I saw the man named Vinny. When he appeared I saw his stick thin frame, he was tall maybe around six foot. He had a rat face and a crooked smile which matched his crooked teeth. His hair was shaggy and he had some stubble on his face. He smiled that crooked smile when he saw me, he came and sat down beside me and put his arm around me. It made me kind of uncomfortable but I didn't say anything. "Hey Tyler, Luke tells me that's your name." Luke sat down on the other side of me.

"Yeah that's my name."

"Very nice. How old are you Tyler?"

"I just turned twelve this month, my birthday was the first."

"Wow that's very cool. Twelve years old huh. That's a fun age, just discovering yourself and your body. I remember it fondly." His hand came up and caressed my face, I back away from his touch. "Ah Tyler, don't be like that, it'll really only make things worse for you." He reached out a touched my face again, I tried to back away again, suddenly feeling very scared. "Stop. Don't touch me," I said sternly my voice shaking.

"Oh Tyler, you don't really get a say in any of this. If you cooperate I'll be more gentle, or maybe not, sometimes I can get carried away.

Vinny reached out and grabbed me roughly pulling me onto his lap. "Damn you're a nice little piece of young ass. Can you feel that, you're making me very happy." He reached up and touched my face again, this time leaning forward to kiss me. I stood frozen in place terrified and repulsed. I struggled against him. Luk reached out and grabbed me, he was much bigger than Vinny and held me still with little effort.

"You don't seem to like this Tyler, but that's just too bad."

He reached down and tore off my shirt and rubbed his hands down my chest, they paused at my pants. Tears streamed down my face the entire time that he forced himself on me and made me do stuff to him. He smiled and gave a small wave as he walked down the hallway, going to bed with the declaration that he was tired. I lay there on the floor tears streaming down my face, blood covering the floor from what he'd done to me. Once he was gone Luke walked back into the room, he'd left shortly after Vinny started. He was carrying a towel, he threw it at me "Here clean up with this then get dressed you're brother will be here soon to pick you up."

He then walked back down the hallway and I sat up, every inch of my body crying out in pain. There was blood and white stuff where he had been inside of me. A sob wracked my body and I shook as I cleaned myself up the best I could. I put my clothes on and my skin crawled. I walked to the door and went outside and stood there waiting for my brother to come. Silent tears streamed down my face as I stood there with my arms wrapped around my body. My brother pulled in the driveway and I walked to his truck and got in.

He didn't look at me when I got in the truck. He didn't say a word as he pulled out of the driveway or the entire drive home. He didn't say anything when we got home and I followed him inside the house. He didn't say anything as he made his way to his room and slammed the door shut, leaving me standing alone in the kitchen, the sound of my father snoring in the living room startled me and I went up to my room and shut the door before falling apart.

I fell to the ground as the memories came rushing back. The pain as he entered me, the lack of oxygen as he forced me to take more of him in my mouth. Tears flooded my eyes and I shook. It was blurry, the blade I held in front of my face. I couldn't even really see as I began to slice into my arm. It hurt so good. I couldn't stop. It was so good. So I didn't. Until I did.


	18. Ch 17 - Sunday's Are My Suicide Days

I woke up the next morning bright and early and groaned when I remembered that I had an early soccer practise today. I begrudgingly got out of bed and showered and got dressed. I went downstairs to grab a quick bite to eat. My mom was already awake and sitting at the table reading the newspaper and sipping her coffee. "Good morning mom," I said cheerily.

"Morning honey. Off to practise?"

"Yup, have to be there by eight, but we should be done by ten or eleven depending on how long coach keeps us."

I sat down across the table from here and ate through my bowl of cheerios rather quickly and gulped down a glass of orange juice. "Gotta go, bye mom."

"Bye honey, have a good practise."

I grabbed my bag and went out to my car. The drive to school was quick and I walked in and made my way to the locker room. Most of my teammates were there already except for the few that were always late. "Josh, my man. How's it going?"

"It's going good dude, can't complain. Ready to sweat our asses off today. I'm sure coach has some tough shit in store for today."

"Ugh yeah, it was bad enough having to get up this early over thanksgiving break, now I've got to actually work."

Just then coach walked in the room and everyone stopped their small talk to listen to what he had to say. It was his usual pep talk followed by the order to hurry up and get our asses out on the field. I opened up my locker and took off my clothes to change into my practise jersey. I had just finished getting dressed when my cellphone rang, most of the room had cleared out by now, only a few stragglers remained. I looked down to see who it was, it wasn't a number I knew but out of curiosity I answered it anyway.

"Hello. Who's this?"

"Uh hey Josh? It's um Zack, Tyler's brother. I know you hate me and shit but uh I just came home and I found Tyler on the floor. He's pretty out of it, he like cut himself or some shit I don't really know. He keep coming in and out of consciousness, I don't know what to do."

"Shit. Fuck. Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can, stay with him. Try to keep him awake."

I threw my phone into my bag and didn't bother changing out of my jersey before running out as fast as I could through the hallway and out to my car. I threw my car into gear and floored it to Tyler's house, paying very little mind to the speed limit as I drove. My heart was pounding. Finally in record time I made it to Tyler's house and I flew out of my car and into his house, running upstairs where I could hear the sound of muttering voices.

"Ty, come on, why'd you do this?"

"Why do you even care, you fucking sold me to pay off your debt. You don't give a shit about me. Just let me die in peace."

I burst around the corner and into the bathroom just in time to hear Tyler speak this. When he saw me he stopped speaking, and gazed down at the floor. What first struck me was the blood, Zack had thrown towels over most of it, but I could see that he'd lost a lot of blood. The second thing I noticed was how pale Tyler was, probably from blood loss. I knelt down beside him, he wouldn't meet my eyes. I looked down and saw that he was clutching his arm, the gashes that covered his arm were gruesome. I was shocked. I knew he definitely needed to go to the hospital, it looked like he was barely hanging onto consciousness.

"Ty, I'm gonna take you to the hospital."

"No," he muttered quietly, his voice barely a whisper. "I don't want to."

"Tyler you don't have a choice," I said adamantly. I reached out to pick him up in my arms and he struggled against me.

"Don't fucking touch me! Don't touch me! Get off," he screamed, his voice hoarse. I let go of him. He slid away from me his eyes wide with fear, anxiety written across his pale tear stained face.

"Tyler, please. Please let me take you to the hospital. I don't want you to die. Please. I love you. Go to the hospital, for me please."

"No," he said, fresh tears flooding his eyes. I felt so helpless. I reached out once again to try and hold him, he struggled against me but I didn't let go. "Tyler. Tyler. It's me, Josh. Your boyfriend. I love you so much and you're the most amazing boyfriend ever. You make me laugh and your smile lights up the whole room. I love you, please let me hold you, I would never hurt you."

He gave up the struggle and collapsed against me. I held him in my arms, taking caution not to hurt his arm. His body shook as he sobbed, but I didn't let go of him. "It's okay babe, let it out. I love you okay. I'm not going to leave you." I looked up at Zack who stood silent across the room, watching us with a blank expression on his face. I felt hatred in my heart towards him. What he'd done to Tyler was unforgivable. I turned my attention back to Tyler.

"Ty, can I take you to the hospital?"

He didn't respond but I stood up with him in my arms and carried him gently in my arms out to my car. Zack followed behind me. I set Tyler in the passenger seat and buckled him up. I turned to face Zack. "I don't know if you want to somehow contact your father and let him know what's going on? I mean I don't care but he should probably be informed."

"Uh yeah, I'll let him know." I walked around to the other side of my car and was just about to get in the car when Zack spoke again. "You know I am sorry about what I've done to Tyler."

"That's all well and good. But the damage has been done. Maybe you should tell Tyler those words. Not me."

I got in the car and pulled out of the driveway and made my way to the hospital, making small talk as I did to try and keep Tyler conscious. I pulled right up to the door of the emergency room and carried Tyler inside. We were obviously quite the sight to see and immediately nurses were rushing to our aid with a gurney, which I set Tyler on, he still hadn't spoken. I told them what had happened and they whisked him away to a room, I watched him go and when the nurses finally left after I'd given them all the details I wandered over to the waiting area and took a seat.

Finally I allowed myself to break down, and allowed the tears to flow freely as I held my face in my hand. My mind was haunted by images of blood, and most of all my the hollow and terrified eyes of my boyfriend. The boyfriend that I loved so much and cared about so much. I continued to cry until a friendly nurse came over with a sympathetic smile and a box of tissues. She sat with me for a minute and I was able to calm down. It was then that the thought occurred to me to call my mom and tell her where I was, cause practise was probably over by now.

I took out my phone and dialed her number. "Hello," she answered.

"Mom," I said. "I'm at the hospital."

Of course she freaked out at this and asked me if I was hurt. "No mom, um it's Tyler. I got a phone call from his brother. Tyler tried to kill himself last night." It hurt to say the words aloud, to have to acknowledge the reality of the situation. She freaked out at what I said, and I ended up having to calm her down. She resolved to come down to the hospital right away. I hung up the phone and leaned back in the chair and waited staring at the way the florescent light reflected off the linoleum floor.


	19. Ch 18 - BlurryfaceMigraine

_Am I the only one I know,_

 _Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat?_

 _Shadows will scream that I'm alone._

 _I've got a migraine and my pain will range from up, down, and sideways,_

 _Thank God it's Friday 'cause Fridays will always,_

 _Be better than Sundays 'cause Sundays are my suicide days,_

 _I don't know why they always seem so dismal,_

 _Thunderstorms, clouds, snow, and a slight drizzle,_

 _Whether it's the weather or the letters by my bed,_

 _Sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head,_

 _Let it be said what the headache represents,_

 _It's me defending in suspense, it's me suspended in a defenseless test,_

 _Being tested by a ruthless examinant that's represented best by my depressing,_

 _Thoughts, I do not have writer's block, my writer just hates the clock,_

 _It will not let me sleep, I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead,_

 _And sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head._

 _Am I the only one I know,_

 _Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat?_

 _Shadows will scream that I'm alone,_

 _But I know we've made it this far, kid._

 _Ah, yeah_

 _Yeah, yeah, yeah_

 _Ah_

 _Yeah, yeah, yeah_

 _I am not as fine as I seem, pardon,_

 _Me for yelling, I'm telling you green gardens,_

 _Are not what's growing in my psyche, it's a different me,_

 _A difficult beast feasting on burnt down trees,_

 _Freeze frame please, let me paint a mental picture portrait,_

 _Something you won't forget, it's all about my forehead,_

 _And how it is a door that holds back contents,_

 _That make Pandora's Box's contents look nonviolent,_

 _Behind my eyelids are islands of violence,_

 _My mind's shipwrecked, this is the only land my mind could,_

 _Find, I did not know it was such a violent island,_

 _Full of tidal waves, suicidal crazed lions,_

 _They're trying to eat me, blood running down their chin,_

 _And I know that I can fight or I can let the lion win,_

 _I begin to assemble what weapons I can find,_

 _'Cause sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind._

 _Am I the only one I know,_

 _Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat?_

 _Shadows will scream that I'm alone,_

 _But I know we've made it this far, kid._

 _Ah, yeah_

 _Yeah, yeah, yeah_

 _Yeah, yeah, yeah_

 _And I will say that we should take a day to break away,_

 _From all the pain our brain has made,_

 _The game is not played alone._

 _And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it,_

 _And keep it frozen and know that,_

 _Life has a hopeful undertone._

 _And I will say that we should take a day to break away,_

 _From all the pain our brain has made,_

 _The game is not played alone._

 _And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it,_

 _And keep it frozen and know that,_

 _Life has a hopeful undertone._

 _Am I the only one I know,_

 _Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat?_

 _Shadows will scream that I'm alone,_

 _But I know we've made it this far, kid._

 _We've made it this far_

 _We've made it this fa_

My mother was beautiful. Her beauty didn't make a big deal about itself. It was subtle, a twinkle of the eyes, the crease of her smile, the way she always smelt of a flowery perfume. She was my mom and I loved her, she was my world, my beautiful, kind, flower scented world. I used to tell her she was beautiful and every time she was smile down at me and say "why thank you mister," in a funny accent. I would giggle showing off my toothless 4 year old grin and would pull me into her arms and kiss my face making me giggle even more. My dad would watch all of this with a smile, and my mom would look at him and say "Our son is a gentleman, he knows how to flatter a woman." Then I turned out to be gay, but to me my mother was always the most beautiful woman.

The bright lights hurt my eyes as I woke up. My setting was white and strange to me. For a moment I was confused and looked about the room bewildered. Then I remembered, and remembering wa never a good thing for me. I shut my eyes against the brightness of the white as the events that brought me to this room came flooding back to me. My brother. Vinny. Luke. Pain. Tears. Blades. Blood. My brother. Josh. Josh brought me here. Josh saw all the blood. All the horrific blood that was me, spilt on the floor, slashes on my arms, the many scars I inflicted on myself. Visual representations of my mental damage. Of how fucked up my mind was.

So many emotions flooded through me then, knowing that he had seen them. My scars. The most prevalent emotion being fear. Fear that Josh didn't love me anymore. Fear that I'd scared him off. But it was inevitable, wasn't it? Someone as fucked up as me didn't deserve someone like Josh. I couldn't keep him, not pathetic me. I was alone again, that I knew for sure.

Josh was gone. I was on my own once again. That was okay. Why should I be surprised by the inevitable? But it hurt, it hurt so much. Like a migraine in my head. My pain ranged from updown to sideways. I couldn't help it when tears flooded my eyes. I opened my eyes to peer at the room, blurry from my tears. I looked down at the blurry bandages covering my blurry arm. A sob wracked my body as I fell back in defeat. Defeated by my own mind. Bested by my own thoughts, an act of treason by my own being against myself. What a cruel fate.

Time passed by as it inevitably did. How much time? I don't know. But eventually a nurse came into the room and saw that I was awake. There were question, so many questions and I had so few answers to give. Doctors, psychiatrists, nurses. I was wishing for solitude. The questions were invasive, asked with concerned expressions which usually grew to thinly veiled frustration at my lack of answers. I just wanted to be left alone which was a vast juxtaposition to my earlier lament to loneliness. But all the questions didn't help my migraine.

The day dragged on and I was so tired of everyone, of living. A doctor walked into my room, he wa my psychiatrist, an attractive man in his early thirties. He stood beside my bed and asked me how I was feeling to which I responded with simple fine. Then he asked me if I was up for a visitor. I immediately shook my head no, I didn't want to see anyone.

"Well I've talked to a young man who's been waiting to see you all day, his name is Joshua Dun."

Josh. Josh had been waiting all day to see me.

"I see by your reaction that you know him, would you like to see him?"

My head nodded yes before my brain could fully comprehend what that meant. That I would have to face him. To be rejected by him face to face. And event that would no doubt tear apart my already fragile heart. "Okay, I'll go down and get him," the doctor said with a small smile before he let the room leaving me to try my hardest not to hyperventilate. It must have been about five minutes before the sound of footsteps echoing down the hallway alerted me to their arrival. Finally Dr. Whatshisface popped his head in the doorway and right behind him came Josh. We made eye contact from across the room, but he was nothing but a blurryface to me through my tears.


	20. Ch 19 - Eating Taco Bell to Get Well

A week. One week had gone by since Tyler I'd brought to the hospital and today he was getting out. In one week a lot had happened. There'd been so much happening. There were diagnoses, big scary words like major depression. There were many therapy sessions, meetings with a psychiatrist, and talks about the best treatment plan for his mental illness. He was on a new medication, it was a trial period, just to see how it worked out for him.

The week had been exhausting, both mentally and physically. I'd been sick with worry that first day before I'd been able to see Tyler again. To hold him in my arms and reassure him that I still loved him. He thought I wouldn't love him anymore because of his scars. Bullshit. I didn't choose to fall in love with him, it just happened. My love for him was unconditional. The marks on his arms were a part of him, a painful part of him, but of a part of the boy I loved.

I'd been allowed to see Tyler everyday, for a couple hours. We ate lunch together everyday, I would bring Taco Bell, Tyler's favorite and we would pig out. I loved Taco Bell too, so we had that in common, screw the fact that it was soccer season. I would just have to run a few extra laps. I don't know if it was normal protocol to allow us to eat together but the doctor confided in me that I brought Tyler's spirits up so they let us see each other. There wasn't much alone time for proper kissing, but we would sneak a peck here and there. Mostly I would just hold him, and tell him how much I loved him, because he had to be reminded. That was alright, I could do that. I would tell him every second of every day how much I loved him if I needed to.

The day he was released it was sunny, and he was in good spirits. He was even joking around with his nurse. I was waiting with him for his dad to come and pick him up. His dad hadn't visited much, in fact I'd yet to meet the guy. Which I didn't have that much of a problem with. We were waiting in his room and his psychiatrist came in, a hunky guy with tousled dark hair and pretty eyelashes. He was pretty hot and I kept poking fun at Tyler for the way he acted around the hunky doctor. I kept joking that his gay was showing to which he would reply, "you wish". We would both dissolve into a fit of giggles, and he would blush.

The doctor just asked how he was feeling and wished him luck. Tyler would still be seeing him three times a week after school for therapy. But he was free and I think he was ready to get out of this place, as I know I was happy to not have to visit him here anymore. He could come to my house again and we could um 'study'. I mean we did actually need to study but also 'study' if you know what I mean.

Tyler had missed a week of school but I'd been bringing him his work and I was going to help him catch up. I'd missed quite a bit of school as well, coming to see him everyday, but I was a good student and my teachers didn't mind at all given the circumstances.

Tyler's dad was in the waiting room and was standing at the front desk signing the paper's that needed to be signed to release Tyler from the hospital. I didn't know it was Tyler's dad until Tyler pointed him out to me as we stepped off the elevator and saw him. He was gruff looking. His face was lined with wrinkles and he had a greying beard to match his grey head of hair. He wore a baseball cap and a wrinkled questionably clean plaid shirt. He looked tired and annoyed to be here. I instantly disliked him. He ignored my presence and spoke to Tyler with little emotion in his voice.

"Are you ready?"

Tyler just nodded his head, his gaze held on the ground and his shoulders slumped. I hated this. I spoke up. "Hi Mr. Joseph. I'm Josh, a friend of Tyler's." I held out my hand to him. He looked taken aback to hear me speak but shook my hand. Briefly. "Huh. Didn't know Tyler had any friends."

He turned back to Tyler and nodded towards the door and started walking out, without saying a word. Tyler began following him, and I followed after Tyler. Outside at their car, his dad said "get in" before getting in the drivers seat and lighting a cigarette.

"Tyler I-"

"It's fine," Tyler interrupted me. "I'm going home and I'll be fine. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Can't do anything in front of my dad anyway."

He got in the car before I could say a word and then his dad was off and I was standing in the parking lot afraid for my boyfriend.

I drove to Tyler's house Monday morning to pick him up for school. He was outside waiting for me, wearing a hoodie up over his head. He walked towards my car when he saw me and jumped in the car. Before I could even say good morning he pushed off his hood and reached across the car to kiss me, taking me by surprise. The kiss was deep and long. It was especially passionate, built up emotion coming out in this moment. We broke apart and I was quite literally breathless. Tyler seemed to be in the same boat as me.

"God I missed that."

"Yeah," I said, unable to be any more coherent in my current breathless state. "I definitely missed that."

"I love you Josh. I - I'm really sorry for all the shit I put you through. Thanks for not leaving me and still loving me even if my head's fucked up."

"No problem Ty, you know I love you so much. You're not gonna get rid of me that easily," I said smirking at him.

He leaned across to me again and I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a kiss on the top of his head. "Love you."

"Josh... I think we have to get to school."

"Yeah I suppose so. Okay let's get going." We drove to school, holding hands, and I didn't want to let go yet.


	21. Ch 20 - Happy To Be Alive Tonight

The air was chilly as I stepped outside after school, winter wasn't far off. I never looked forward to the cold and snow but I had to admit that it was a very beautiful time of year. There was a beauty to the whiteness, everything looked clean and pure. I liked that about winter. But the last threads of fall were still hanging on so it wasn't too cold as I made my way over to the soccer field to watch Josh's practice.

My day had been good, people were leaving me alone. In fact that day in history I'd sat with Josh and his friends. His friends were all nice to me and included me in the conversation. It was strange to me but I liked it, talking to people. It felt strange to be talking to popular kids and for them to be nice to me. I guess nothings impossible. As I walked to the soccer field one of Josh's friends, a tall kid with dark hair name Dave waved to me as he made his way to the locker room.

I was kind of in shock but involuntarily smiled as I waved in return. I sat in the front row of the bleachers and pulled my backpack onto my lap and took out my book to read while I waited for practice to start. We were reading The Catcher in the Rye right now and I was liking this story. Holden was an interesting character and I understood him. Josh had told me about the significance of Allie's catcher's mitt and the poems written in green ink. It reminded me of why I always wrote in red ink.

When I heard the sound of chattering voices approaching I put my book away and looked up and met eyes with my boyfriend. Josh smiled at me and I smiled back rejoicing in the sight of my boyfriend in his soccer shorts. I mean getting to watch twenty or so guys run around in tiny shorts was pretty awesome, but my boyfriend was definitely the hottest. He was the hottest and he was mine. Another thing to add to my list. It was part of my therapy to make a list. I was supposed to make a list of all the things that made me happy, and the things worth staying alive for. Josh was like number one through fifty on my list. And his ass in those shorts were definitely high up on the list.

I'd never really been into sports, not only did my scrawny ass lack any athletic ability but sports were just boring to me. But this I was able to appreciate. I'd always been made fun of in gym class, it was always my least favorite time of the day. In sixth grade a boy pushed me down during a game of volleyball after I missed the ball and the other team got the point. The verbal abuse was worse than the physical but either way it was enough to cement my strong aversion to all sports.

Josh scored three goals during practice and I was grinning with pride as he walked back to the locker room to change. He gave me a wave as he passed by me, and my heart sped up a little. I dug through my backpack until I found where I'd put the keys. Josh had given me his car keys so I could go wait in his car while he changed after practice. I held onto the keys and slung my bag over my shoulder and walked across the field to the parking lot. I didn't have to wait very long before I saw Josh jogging towards the car with his hair wet from a shower covered in a snapback. He had a look of concentration on his face as he ran and his tongue poked out between his lips. He was so adorable. He jumped in the car and threw his backpack rather haphazardly into the backseat.

"Hey boyfriend," he said turning to face me in the passenger seat.

"Hey boyfriend," I replied smiling.

He leaned in and gave me a kiss, mind you we were in the school parking lot where at any moment his team mates would be coming to leave themselves. But the kiss was much more than just a peck, it was deep, it was intense, there was tongue. I didn't mind. But I thought maybe we could take this to a different locale. I broke apart from him rather begrudgingly. "Hey Josh why don't we go to your house then we can continue this?"

"Yeah, that's uh actually a good idea. I'm sorry I'm just really horny, thanks for being the reasonable one in the relationship."

I smiled sardonically, "Yeah that's me, Mr. Reasonable."

The ride to his house seemed longer than usual, as it would when one has a growing hard on. I think it's safe to say that we were basically sprinting to his room once we arrived at his house. He pressed me up against his closed bedroom door with a hand on either side of my head. "So is this a good place for me to make out with you," Josh asked playfully?

"Hmm well I don't know it could be better, you don't have fine silk sheets."

"Dammit, my fine silk sheets are at the dry cleaners right now. Will you make an exception this time for me. I'll get down on my knees and beg if I have to."

"I mean I can think of other, better reasons for you to get down on your knees, but there's no need to beg. I had to watch you run around in those soccer shorts for an hour, I don't need the fricken silk sheets."

His lips were on mine again gentle at first but as we grew more passionate his lips were rougher. I let out an involuntary moan. His hands drifted to my waist pulling me so that our bodies were pressed up against one another's. We only broke apart long enough to pull our shirts off, his chest was warm against mine. His lips wandered from mine and began to wander down to my neck, then my shoulder, then my chest, his tongue trailing the entire way. I let out a surprise welp when I felt his hot breath engulf my nipple. He swirled his tongue around my nipple and I thought my legs were going to give out. I think he had to hold me up a little. He moved to the other one and I thought I would for sure collapse this time, but I remained upright.

"Mmm you like that babe," Josh asked me?

I don't know how coherent m response was but I remember saying something. His hands traveled down to my waist and playfully fiddled with the button on my jeans. He slid to his knees and I looked down at him kneeling before me in somewhat disbelief that this was happening. "Josh I -", he cut me off.

"Don't say anything Ty, I want to do this. I want to taste you. I've been studying up so you'll have to tell me how I do."

And with that in one swift motion he had my pants unbuttoned and down around my ankles before I could even fathom what was happening. I fell back against the door with a loud thud as he took the head of my dick in his mouth. I dissolved at the feeling of his hot, wet mouth on my manhood. I practically shook with pleasure and had to grip onto his shoulders to hold myself up. I told him when I was about to come which frankly was after an embarrassingly short amount of time. He didn't move when I said that but remained wrapped around my dick. I came in his mouth with an equally embarrassing sound escaping my mouth.

I was breathless and could barely hold myself up on my two legs. My now limp dick slid out of his mouth and he stood up so he was back at eye level with me. He wrapped his arms around me to help me remain upright. He leaned in and kissed my lips, in a kiss that was slow and tender. "So how was that babe?"

"I give you an A-plus," I said still catching my breath.

He smiled, "I'm glad I passed Mr. Joseph. I wouldn't want to let you down."

"You could never let me down Josh, you're the best boyfriend ever. I love you."

"I love you too, babe. I'm so glad that you're alive and that I get to hold you in my arms and give you blowjobs, and love you."

"I'm happy to be alive tonight, I really am."

And I was. But I worried that my happiness was fleeting, as it always seemed to be.


	22. Ch 21(Pilots) - I Love You More

I think by know I'd learned that life could throw some unexpected curve balls at you. But curve balls weren't always a bad thing, in fact sometimes they were the best thing to ever happen in your life. Like meeting an amazing boy by chance one day and quickly and irrevocably falling in love with him. That was pretty amazing. Then one day realizing how close you were to losing him, so shortly after you'd met him. That was terrifying. It made me want to hold onto him forever and never let go, so that I knew he would always be happy and safe. I didn't want to exist in a world without Tyler Joseph.

A world without his smile would be dimmer. A world without his laugh would be less melodic. And a world without him, well I didn't wanted to think about that. There was so much I wanted to do with Tyler. There were places to be seen, I wanted to travel the world with him. I thought it would do him good to see the world that existed outside of Ohio. There were so many experiences to be had, so much sex to be done.

The first snow of the season was falling, it was unusually early in the season but I didn't mind. I loved the snow, it was beautiful. It was a Sunday and Tyler and I were hanging out in my bedroom before dinner. Tyler had been coming over to eat quite often, my mom kept insisting and you couldn't refuse her when she gave you the look that mothers have. My mom really liked Tyler, I mean what wasn't there to like about my adorable boyfriend. I knew she was concerned about him since the incident and I was really grateful that she was taking an interest in him, I think he really needed a maternal figure in his life and my mom was pretty amazing.

Tyler and I were playing Mario Kart and he was beating my ass, I threw the controller down on the floor, frustrated having lost for the third time in a row. "That's it, I'm done You must be cheating or something. I never lose!"

"Oh come on, don't be a sore loser and accuse me of cheating. I can't help it that I'm just so much superior to you."

"Oh you think you're so much superior to me? I bet I could take you pretty easy."

"Well sure, but it's not like I would put up much of a struggle."

"I think you just called yourself easy." He just giggled. I straddled his waist and pushed him back on the bed and held him down. "Yeah you're pretty easy, easy to love that is. My beautiful pocket sized boyfriend with the adorable smile." I leaned down and touched my lips to his, gentle and loving. I planted a line of kisses along his jawline and stopped for a moment to breath in his scent. "I love you Tyler," I whispered in his ear like it was a secret just between us, too private and beautiful for other ears to hear, they were words reserved just for him.

"I love you more Josh."

"Nah uh, I love you more."

"Nope I love you more."

"Fight me."

"You know I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Then love me."

He grinned up at me, "That I can do." Our lips met once again and this time in an explosion of passion. Of course that passion was somewhat diminished by the thought that my parents were just downstairs. "Ty," I said breathlessly. "My parents are right downstairs."

He pouted a little but our lips parted and I rolled off of him to lay on the bed beside him so that our legs were touching. I glanced over at the window and watched the snow falling from the sky. "Do you like snow," I asked Tyler out of the blue?

"Yeah, I love it. I used to love to play in the snow when I was a kid. Me and my brother used to go sledding all the time. My mom would have to lure me back into the house with hot cocoa."

"Haha, me too. I've always loved the snow. It's so pretty, it makes everything look so clean and pure. Plus I make a mean snowman."

"Oh really, we should make one," Tyler said excitedly sitting up to see watch out the window. I smiled at his enthusiasm.

"Well it may be a little while before we can do that, but yeah definitely."

"Joshua. Tyler. Dinner is ready, get your butts down here," my mom yelled from downstairs."

We jumped up from the bed and ran downstairs, the smell of beef stew suddenly reminding me that I was hungry. Dinner was great, Tyler ate three helpings of beef stew much to my amazement. My mom was quite taken with the amount of compliments he kept giving her cooking. It made me so happy to see how easily Tyler fit in with my family and how readily my parents welcomed him into the fold.

It made the thought of coming out to them seem more appealing, at least I knew they already liked Tyler. I don't really know what was holding me back. I'd never heard my parents say anything bad about gay people, I mean they didn't really say anything. But they weren't the judgemental type, I figured they would be fine with it even if it took them some time to come to terms with it. What was holding me back? I loved Tyler, why couldn't I work up the courage to come out? Maybe it was the way I knew Tyler was treated for being gay. Maybe I was just a huge coward.

We finished dinner and it was time for me to take Tyler home. My mom pulled him in for a hug before he made it out the door. I laughed as she smothered him and made sure he was bundled up before going out into the cold. "See you on Tuesday for dinner okay Tyler. I'm making chicken pot pie so make sure you bring your appetite with you."

"I look forward to it. Thank you so much for dinner, it was delicious as always."

"Oh stop it Tyler, you're going to give me a big head if you keep complimenting me like this."

My mom saw us to the door and stood there watching as I pulled the car out of the driveway and headed to Tyler's house.

When I got back she was sitting at the kitchen table reading a book. She looked up when I walked in the door and watched me as I took off my coat. "Hi honey, how are the roads?"

"There not bad, the snow isn't really sticking to the ground."

"That's good," silence followed this. "So Josh how long have you an Tyler been a couple?"

I stood there in stunned silence.


	23. Ch 22 - Okay and Good

**Trigger Warning: Mentions of rape, drug use, and explicit sexual language.**

Things were going alright, I felt okay. Okay was an easy thing to feel. It was noncommittal, it was neither good nor bad, it just was. At least it was better than where I'd been so I reveled in the feeling of okay because I knew what the opposite was and I didn't want to go back there. I was trying not to.

I got home from Josh's house and I felt really good, like top of cloud nine euphoria good. I always felt good after visiting his house. Where my house was cold and uninviting, his was warm and welcoming. What I liked about it the most was his family, they cared. They all cared and it felt so nice to be cared about. They were interested in what I had to say and they listened. They didn't expect anything in return, just a hug and a thank you. I almost felt like crying at how happy I was to not just have Josh in my life but also his family. I didn't realize how much I missed that, a family.

My euphoric mood didn't last long, it never did. Everything came crashing down around me when I walked through the door of my house and saw my brother Zack and some of his friends all sitting around the living room. There must have been six or seven guys sitting around. But all noticed was him, sitting on the couch with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. He grinned when he saw me. I froze in place. Vinny.

I felt like I was going to collapse, my breath caught in my throat. I wanted to run to be far away from here. But my mind seemed unable to communicate that to my legs because I remained rooted in the same spot. My brother spoke, " Hey! There's my baby brother, you all remember little Tyler. He just tried to slit his wrists like some sort of emo like a week ago, but I saved his life. I'm like a hero or some shit." He was drunk. All of his friends laughed and they stared at me.

"Yeah, I remember Tyler. Very well," Vinny spoke. "Is your cock still so cute and tiny?"

"..."

"Not much of a talker anymore, are ya? Why don't you come join us, you can snort a line of coke off of my dick if ya want, I'd bet you'd like that. Zack here tells us you're a fag now."

Everyone laughed. They all fucking cackled like it was the most hilarious joke they'd ever heard. I don't know what my face must have looked like. I don't know if there is a facial expression for the way I was feeling. "Aw guys, he crying. Be nice! You know how sensitive fags can be they're just as bad women when it come to emotions," Zack said.

Vinny leapt up from the couch, holding his beer and cigarette in the same hand he walked towards me. "Come on, come sit by me." He tried to touch me. I jerked away. "Don't be like that, come sit next to me, puberty has been very kind to you, let me see just how kind."

"Don't fucking touch me," I said my voice shaking making me seem a lot less threatening than I was trying to be.

"Woah awful hostile for a little faggot."

"Don't call me that! You're the one who raped me, what does that make you," I said gaining a little confidence as I spoke. I was still shaking. But he didn't speak. He just shook his head and walked back to the couch. I took this opportunity to turn and run from the house. I ran and I ran. The wind was cold and the snow was slush on the ground. I ran in no particular direction.

Eventually I had to stop. I was out of breath and I was cold. My body shook uncontrollably, my entire being shook. It took me a moment to realize that I was crying, tears were pouring down my face. I collapsed to the ground, the slush immediately soaking through my jeans. I felt bad again. Oh God did I feel bad, it had just surrounded me, all my surrounding sound. I needed Josh. I wanted him.

I was still crying but I managed to make it to my feet, and I looked around where I was. I was about two miles from Josh's house. I started walking. I had to get to Josh before I did something stupid. Before the bad thoughts made me do something stupid. It took me for ever to get to his house. It was dark and cold, and I didn't feel like walking but managed to put one foot in front of the other.

I made it. I stood outside his house and tried to wipe off my face with my sleeve before knocking. My teeth were chattering I was so cold. I raised my hand and knocked on the door. Mrs. Dun answered the door and when she saw me she pulled me inside and made me take off my wet clothes. " "Joshua, get down here," she yelled. "Tyler's here and he needs you!"

Josh came bounding down the stairs two at a time and when he saw me he ran to my side. "Ty, what's wrong?" I just started crying, I didn't want to talk about it again. He took me into his arms and I collapsed against him. He held me as I cried. It was kind of awkward because I was just in my boxers and Josh was holding me in front of his mom. She just looked really concerned though. About me. That felt nice, that someone was concerned about me. It really did. She left after a few seconds and left us alone.

"Tyler, baby? Everything's all right, I've got you. Shh."

"I'm s-s-sorry," I stuttered out between tears. "He was there, at my house. Vinny. With my brother."

"Fuck! He didn't fucking touch you did he cause I will fucking end him if he-"

"No he didn't, I ran out. He just talked to me. He tried to touch me though."

"Oh god, babe." He wrapped his arms tighter around me, I nestled against his chest. "You're staying here tonight okay? Lets get you upstairs and changed into some pajamas, I've got an old pair that might fit you. I walked upstairs with him and put on the pajamas he handed smelled like him, I really liked that.

"Lay down in bed, I'll be right back. I'm just going to go talk to my mom for a second." He walked to the door and opened it to find his mom standing right by the door about to knock.

"Oh hi honey, is everything alright?"

"Yeah um Tyler's gonna stay here tonight."

"Of course he's more than welcome. Tyler if you need anything make Josh do it for you okay. I'm sure he would anyway because I raised my son right and he knows how to treat his boyfriend."

I was shocked by her words and looked between her and Josh. "Oh yeah, my mother knows about us," Josh said sheepishly.

"A mother just knows, plus you too can never stop making puppy dog eyes at each other. Welcome to the family Tyler."

She walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me, giving me a hug. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her back. "Everything's gonna be all right honey. You have us now and don't ever forget that. We love you."

She left the room after that and I felt myself about to cry at her words. Josh came and hugged me. "She's right, you have us now and I love you and so does my family. So you never have to face anything alone."

He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my lips. It was gentle and sweet. And I felt so much more than okay. I felt good in that moment. Good.


	24. Ch 23 - Tear in My Heart

My mother's words made me stop cold and I stood there frozen in place her words echoing in mind. "So Josh how long have you an Tyler been a couple?" Shit. She knew. _Abort mission, abort mission_ , my brain screamed out to me. But my mom just smiled and shook her head a little.

"Joshua William Dun, why do you look so scared? What? Did you think your father and I were so close minded that we would kick you out on the street or not love you because you're gay. I'm almost hurt."

"I'm sorry mom, I guess I was just nervous."

"That's understandable honey," my mom said walking over to me and wrapping me in a big hug. "I love you honey. And you know I love Tyler just as much, he's really a special boy and I can see you two care about each other a great deal."

"Uh mom how exactly did you find out about us," I asked thinking about a worst case scenario that she caught us in the actor something equally as horrifying.

"It was just the way you two act around each other and the way you're are constantly making eye contact and smiling and blushing. It's so adorable sweetie. I'm happy for you two I really am. Tyler's a great addition to the family, just make sure you take care of him."

"Of course mama," I said. "I love him a lot."

"I love you Joshua, never forget that honey," she said giving me a final squeeze before releasing me and walking back into the living room. I smiled and stood there feeling kind of ashamed that I'd ever doubted her in the first place. I shook my head and smiled as I walked upstairs to my room to do some homework that was due soon.

I lay in bed holding Tyler against me as he slept soundly, his breathing a soft and steady rhythm so melodious and calm that to me it was as beautiful as a symphony. Holding him in my arms was reassuring because as long as he was in my arms then nothing bad could happen to him because I wouldn't allow it. I felt such love for the boy in my arms it was overwhelming and amazing. It was like a tear in my heart. I was on fire, this feeling set my soul alight with passion, it took me higher than I'd ever been before. Tyler was a like a butcher with a smile, a beautiful and angelic smile that cut through my heart like it was butter.

The morning came too quickly and the light of the sun woke me up before my alarm clock even did. I opened my eyes and realized that my face was nuzzled in Tyler's hair, he still lay asleep in my arms. He was the perfect little spoon. I smiled against his hair and breathed in the scent of him. I didn't want to wake him and it seemed it would be a sin to do so. So I didn't I lay there holding him and listening to his soft breath. It was a veritable heaven. If any of that stuff was true then when I died this would be the way I'd chose to spend eternity. It was bliss.

Eventually I felt him move and he turned his head and his sleep filled eyes met mine. I smiled and leaned down to kiss his cheek. "Good morning sleepyhead," I said in a cheerful voice, smiling at the sight of him.

"G'morning," he muttered in a sleepy voice.

"Not much of a morning person," I asked giggling at his response?

"No, not really," he said rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He turned to face me and nuzzled face first into my chest. "Can we just stay in bed all day," he asked?

"That sounds like an awful good idea but I'm hungry. Can I tempt you to get out of bed with the promise that I'll make you a super tasty breakfast."

"Yeah that sounds really good."

I leaned down to give him a kiss and he buried his head in my chest to stop me from kissing him. "Nooo, my breath smells bad."

"I don't care, I want to kiss my super hot boyfriend."

"Mmmm."

"What did you say?"

"I'm not super hot," he mumbled. "You are."

"Pfff, you're way more hot than I am."

"Uh uh," he muttered hiding his face.

"Are we going to argue all morning or are you going to let me kiss your adorable face?"

"Fine."

I reached down and pulled him further up so that are faces were at the same level. I smiled at him and he tried not to smirk but he grinned anyway. "You know you're really sexy when you're stubborn."

"Maybe I just like arguing with you."

"Bad boy."

"Your bad boy."

I groaned and little and he bit his lip and that was it, I couldn't stand it another minute and leaned in to kiss his delicious lips. I was so turned on by his words and our 'argument', kissing him was a religious experience. It started calm but both of us were too turned on and it began to grow my frantic and sloppy. I flipped him down on the bed and rolled on top of his and held his arms above his head as I attacked his face with my kisses. He was so hot, so sexy, I felt like the luckiest person on Earth. I was in love with Tyler Joseph and I would be until the day I died. he really was the tear in my heart.

We were in the kitchen and I was making pancakes for breakfast per Tyler's request and anything for my prince. He was sitting at the counter looking cute as ever in my pajamas with his hair all messed up not just from sleep but from what we did earlier. He was watching me pour the batter on the sizzling pan and asked me when I learned to cook.

"I don't really remember I've just always helped my mom cook and I love to eat so it only made sense to know how to cook myself."

"I used to cook sometimes with my mom, it was always really fun. But I haven't cooked in a long time, I don't think I remember how."

"I could teach you if you want, at least what I know. I'm no gourmet chef or anything, my mom's better than me, she could teach you more that I could."

"Yeah I'd like that sometime."

Once the pancakes where done I set a stack of three in front of him along with some warm maple syrup. "Woah are you trying to fatten me up for the christmas feast?"

"Yup."

He just shook his head at my antics but dug into the stack after pouring a generous helping of syrup on top. In no time he had polished off the entire stack of pancakes and was leaned back in his chair with a satisfied look on his face. "That was delicious Josh."

"I can tell you thought so, you have syrup on you face," I said laughing at him. I got an idea and leaned over to where he sat beside me and licked the syrup of his cheek. He blushed and moved to kiss my lips. It was kind of a sticky kiss, but sticky wasn't bad.

"Woah! Keep it PG, mother in the room," My mom shouted as she walked into the kitchen carrying grocery bags.

We flew apart, both Tyler and I blushing furiously. "Oh don't look like scared puppy dogs, it's cute, I just don't need to see it. I get it young love is exciting. Not like a couple that have been together for forty years where the love has dried up and the sex has all but disappeared, not that that's your father and I we still manage to keep it interesting in the bed-"

"Mom," I screamed!

"Haha," just messing with you two.

I thought Tyler was going to turn into a tomato he was so red. My mom proceeded to unpack the groceries and I pulled Tyler upstairs with me. "C'mon we're going to take a shower."

"Together?"

"Duh."

Tyler smiled at the idea and I smiled because as long as he was happy then I was happy. I always wanted to make him happy.


	25. Ch 24 - Shower Sex (You're Welcome)

Times when I was happy to be alive were when I was with Josh and we were just goofing around and being silly. When we were cuddling and watching a movie. When were having sex in the shower. Basically just anytime with Josh made me happy to be alive, he brought joy into my life when I needed it most and for that I had to be grateful.

Josh pushed me into the bathroom and shut the door behind us. He turned to face me and wrapped his arms around my waist so that we were pushed against each other. He was looking down at me with all this adoration in his eyes and it made the most amazing feeling wash over me. Acceptance. Josh accepted me for me. He accepted all my flaws, all my faults, and every single thing about me. I felt completely undeserving of this look from him but I was working on it. I was working on feeling worthy of him, because he told me I was and I believed him.

He reached down and pulled my shirt off my body exposing my chest. I shivered a little as the cold air hit me, Josh reached down and pulled off my pants. He smiled and I pushed him away a little so I could reach over and pull off his shirt. Then I pulled down his pants and he stepped out of them and kicked them away.

"Mmm you look so sexy babe," I muttered out blushing a little at the words I spoke.

"No, I'd have to disagree. You are the sexy one here." He leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips.

"Well," I said moaning a little as his lips trailed down to my neck. "Why can't we both be sexy," I queried?

"Mmm," He moaned against my skin. "I suppose that's just as well."

We stood in the middle of the bathroom making out for a few minutes until I guess Josh remembered what we were in here for. Shower. Ah yes to shower. Josh stepped away from me for a moment to turn on the shower and adjust the temperature and then he pulled me in the shower after him. The water was warm, but his embrace was warmer. In the small space we were forced to be touching at all times, but neither of us minded.

Josh grabbed the shampoo and put some in his hands and then ran his soapy fingers through my hair and massaged my head. He then soaped up his own hair and we stood under the showerhead arms around each other and let the water clean the suds out of our hair. He wiped the soap out of my eyes and leaned down and kissed the water from my lips. I kissed him back and pushed him back against the wall of the shower, I held his hands above his head and attacked his neck with little bites here and there. He moaned as I nipped his skin and it made me smile.

"You like that," I asked my lips brushing against his skin as I spoke?

"Oh yeah," he moaned wantonly.

I kissed my way down his chest licking up the moisture off his chest as I went along. I stopped when I got to his waist and saw his hard cock standing at attention. I looked up to him from where I stood crouched on the floor and kept eye contact with him as I took his dick in my mouth. I liked the way his mouth formed a little "O" of pleasure as I sucked his dick. He tasted so good, I lapped up the water around the head of his cock with my tongue and then worked my way farther down the shaft.

His hands gripped my hair and he guided my head further down his cock until I took his entire length in my mouth. I began moving my mouth up and down his length, focusing on getting him off and making him feel good. And from the sounds that were escaping his mouth I guessed that I was achieving my goal. His hands slid down and squeezed my shoulders and he let me know that he was about to come. I let his cock slide out of my mouth and stood up so I could kiss his lips again and I took his cock in my hand. He came only a few seconds later and his cum was washed down the drain with the water.

He slouched against the wall after he came and I leaned against him, trailing little kisses along his jawline. "How was that baby?"

Josh grinned a stupid lovesick grin that just about made my knees weak with the overwhelming realization of his cuteness. "So fucking good babe. Now it's your turn."

And with that he flipped me around so I was pressed chest first against the wall. He held against the wall with his body and trailed kisses down my shoulders and my back. His fingers gently gripped my waist and held me in place. His fingers moved to my butt and he leaned and whispered in my ear, "you have such a cute little bubble butt, I really love it."

"Mmmm that's a very heterosexual thing to say," I muttered sarcastically.

He laughed, "I think the heterosexual ship sailed away from me the moment I met you."

He turned me around so that we were facing each other and kissed me passionately upon the lips. "You know I love you. I love you more than any label on my sexuality, though I proudly claim to be a flaming homosexual for you."

"I love you so much Josh."

"I'll show you how much I love you Tyler Joseph."

He slid down to his knees and in a quite homosexual manner took my dick in his mouth like a pro. My head fell backwards against the wall and a man escaped my lips in a manner that would be quite embarrassing in any other situation, but it was acceptable when one was receiving a blowjob from their boyfriend. I was kind of amazed at how skilled his tongue was against my dick for a guy who'd before hadn't ever even had any thoughts about guys in a sexual manner. What could I say? He was a natural. I definitely couldn't complain.

I came embarrassingly quick but what could I say, I was a fifteen year old boy and it didn't take much to get off at this age. Josh stood up and a little bit of my come was on his face, I giggled and wiped it away with my finger. "Thanks babe."

"Um you're welcome. I mean there's no need to thank me for the blowjob but the appreciation is welcome."

I blushed and giggled, sometimes my awkwardness was crippling, lucky for me Josh found it cute. That was the key to love, find someone who finds all your quirks to be endearing then you know that the love is true. We finished cleaning off and then finally had to get out of the shower, I think we wasted enough hot water with our extracurricular activities. Josh tossed me a big fluffy towel and I wrapped it around myself and Josh smiled at me. "What," I asked feeling shy under his gaze.

"You like a cute little burrito wrapped in that towel, and you know I love burritos. Speaking of burritos we should go to Taco Bell for lunch."

I giggled at his nonsense and continued to dry off. We got dressed and headed back downstairs where his parents sat in the living room watching TV. We sat down and chatted with his parents for a few minutes before Josh was dragging me out the door because he just couldn't wait any longer for Taco Bell. I let myself be dragged out of the house by my hand secured in his.

We pigged out at Taco Bell, both getting nachos, a chalupa, and two soft tacos. By the time we walked out of the restaurant both of us were stuffed. I didn't want the day to end, I wanted to spend everyday with Josh. I dreaded the thought of going home, I didn't know what might await me there. Would my dad be home? Or would my brother's friends still be there? I shook in my seat just thinking about it.

Josh headed in the direction of his house and I got confused because it was about the time he would usually bring me home. "Josh, why aren't you taking me home?"

"Tyler you're not going back there. It's not safe for you, and I don't want you there. You're going to come stay with me for at least a little while, I talked it over with my parents they love you and don't mind at all."

I just shook my head in disbelief. I didn't believe him and I didn't want to be a burden upon his family. "Josh… I don't think I can -"

"Nonsense. You can and you're going to. You can sleep with me, don't you want to sleep with me every night? Tomorrow after school we can go to your place so you can grab your stuff."

I just sighed and sat back in my seat. I don't know why I didn't feel happier at the news. I should be happy to live with my boyfriend and his family who loved me and treated me so well. But I didn't because my head was too fucked up. I stared out the window somberly thinking of the many possible ways I could screw this up because to me it seemed inevitable that somehow I would mess this up.


	26. Ch 25 - Surrounding Your Surroundings

Two weeks had passed since Tyler moved in and it was going alright. Tyler really fit into the family but he seemed kind of down and I couldn't really understand why. He was away from his father and brother who were awful to him and I was doing everything I could to help him. Sometimes it was hard because I felt like I was somehow failing him. I wanted so badly for him to just be happy all the time because that's what he deserved. But it wasn't that simple, depression made it much more complex of an issue.

After school that day I was driving Tyler to a therapy appointment, we were jamming out on the radio to a little Dropkick Murphy. Tyler was smiling and his arm was out the window and he let the wind move his hand up and down. It was a blissful moment in the sunshine, as we sped down the highway on a calm afternoon. I pulled into the parking lot of the therapist's office and we sat there until the song finished. I was sad that the moment had to end, but I leaned over and gave Tyler a kiss on the lips and told him I'd be back to pick him up in an hour. I sat and watched him walk inside, he gave me a little wave before he walked inside. Then he disappeared behind the door and I pulled out of the parking lot and headed home to do some homework before I had to come back and get him.

First I had to stop at school to grab a few books I'd forgotten out of my locker. I walked inside the school and passed the cheerleaders who were practicing in the back field. I saw Debbie stood at the top of a pyramid and when she saw me she glared at me. I just shrugged it off and walked onto my locker figuring she was bitter over the breakup. I still felt a little mad, but I'd hoped we could remain friends but that glare told me otherwise. I grabbed the two books I needed from my locker and walked back down the empty hallways to the back door that lead out to the parking lot. I hesitated when I saw Debbie walk out of the girls locker room, she stopped when she saw me. I kept walking up to her and stopped in front of her.

"Hey Debs, how's it going," I asked being friendly?

"Oh fine, you know considering."

"Considering what," I asked curious and a bit confused?

"Oh you know considering my boyfriend broke up with me and became a fag. Which by the way I had to find out from Stacy's boyfriend Kevin. Yeah he's seen you and that faggot Joseph getting all cozy. He wants to kick your ass. And your little faggot boyfriend's ass too. I don't agree I think you'll get what's coming to you when you burn in hell. But whatever." She shrugged and turned and walked out the door before I could react. I was kind of frozen in shock at the news. First that some guy named Kevin knew about us and that he wanted to beat us up.

He was probably going to out me to the entire school and I felt scared by that. Second that he wanted to beat up Tyler and I and while I wasn't worried about myself I was terrified of them hurting Tyler. I need to protect him, I couldn't let them hurt Tyler when he was doing so well and working on getting better. I snapped out it and started out the door and headed out into the now dark towards my car. I took out my keys as I approached the car and unlocked it. Just as I was approaching the driver side door this person jumped out from in front of my car and tackled me to the ground. I fell on my back and my breath was knocked out me.

Then two more guys popped out from behind my car and they stood watching as who it didn't take a genius to guess must be Kevin. His fist came down and he hit me in the face several times, I struggled against him. But when I tried to fight back, his cronies joined in the fight and started kicking me in the stomach. I was completely defenseless to fight back against them the numbers were uneven so I didn't have a chance.

I woke up and the first thing that I felt was a wave of pain wash over my body, and I quickly remembered what had happened to me. What Kevin and his cronies had done to me. The second thing I noticed was the stars in the sky, so many of them littered the sky and they shined so brightly in the pitch darkness that now surrounded me. I tried to sit up but everything hurt, literally everything. I looked down and even in the darkness I could see a small puddle of blood on the asphalt, I reached up to my face and felt the blood pouring out of my nose.

I looked over at my car and saw my keys and my cellphone under it, I just had to get over to it so I could call someone. Shit. Then I remembered I was supposed to pick Tyler up probably hours ago, I had no idea of the time. I started freaking out because Tyler had left his cellphone in the car and he would have walked out of therapy probably feeling vulnerable expecting me to be there and I wasn't. He would freak out I knew he would. I rolled over and ignored the pain that it caused and slowly crawled my way across the parking lot until I finally made it to my phone and my keys.

I called my mom first and told her to go get Tyler, she was freaked out and asked me why I couldn't but I just needed her to get him so lied and told her I'd gotten a flat tire. I don't know how believable my lie was but she sighed and said okay. I looked down at my phone and saw that I'd only been passed out for an hour and a half. I next called 911 for an ambulance to come and get me because I couldn't drive. I slumped down against the side of my car as I waited for the ambulance to get there. I hoped Tyler was alright, I needed him to be alright.


	27. Ch 26 - The Cave

*****Warning this chapter contains mentions of self harm scars.*****

My therapist was really nice but sometimes her niceness annoyed me. I guess sometimes I just wanted someone to blow up at me and tell me what trash I was because that's what I thought I deserved. She was always warm and reaffirming and well most of the time I appreciated it if I was in a bad mood it annoyed the hell out of me. Half of the time I didn't know what I was feeling those days. I was living with my boyfriend and his amazing and kind family, I should have been so happy to be out of my depressing house and away from my father and brother. But I still felt the sadness, that ever present sadness wasn't going away.

I thought it should be going away, my life was so much better now. I had my boyfriend. I had his family. I was in therapy and I was taking the medication. I thought I would be happy by now. But the longer time went on and I didn't feel automatic happiness, the more despair I felt about myself and my mind. I figured my mind must be so fucked up that I wouldn't ever get better. And if I could never get better than was it fair for me to stay with Josh and force my unhappiness on him? No. It wasn't fair that he had to deal with it, or his family. They were so nice they would never be honest about it, but I knew it, I knew I would eventually get on their nerves.

I gave my therapist a smile as I walked out of her room and down the hallway back towards the waiting room. Josh wasn't there yet so I took a seat in the corner of the room to wait for him. I stared down at my lap to avoid having to make eye contact with the other people in the room. Nothing was more uncomfortable than making eye contact with someone in the waiting room and wondering what the other was here for. It made me slightly uncomfortable that other people might be speculating what kind of crazy I was.

Ten minutes passed and I was growing kind of anxious but trying my best to reassure myself that Josh would be here any minute. He was doing school work so he probably had just lost track of time. That was understandable. I tried to flip through a magazine but it didn't capture my attention at all and I found myself staring intently at the scar that just slightly poked out from underneath my longsleeve shirt. It was faced and white but it was still there, a permanent visual reminder of my fucked up brain. I hated them so much. I hated that there was this visual evidence on my skin for others to see. And I hated myself for putting them there.

Twenty minutes and he still wasn't here. I was growing restless in the chair but I fought against my desire to move and remained still. I didn't want to move at all because any movement would draw attention to myself. I wished for my favorite hoodie right then, when I wore my hoodie I felt like I was safe nestled in a cocoon like a butterfly. No one could see me and I couldn't see anything else and in my cocoon I could construct my own reality like Plato did in _The Cave_. My constructed reality was always so much better than the actual one. And right then I longed so badly for it.

An hour passed and I had to get out of the room, everyone was staring at me I just knew it. They probably knew why I was here and pitied the boy with the scars all over his body. I jumped up from the chair and ran outside to the parking lot where I stopped and looked frantically around for any sight of Josh or his car. But there was nothing. He wasn't there at all. I felt like all my worst fears were coming true. He'd abandoned me. He didn't love me anymore.

I couldn't stand still, I needed to walk. I needed to walk away from here. Away from everything and everyone. I wandered out of the parking lot and down the road. I don't know how many miles exactly it was to town, about three or four. I made my way through town slowly my eyes wandering over everything and everyone around me but I didn't really see them. Finally I was on the road heading out of town and I just kept walking.

This was when the tears began, they were quiet and soft at first. But they grew in intensity as I walked and I realized I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave my town, or Josh. I didn't even want to leave them. Even if he didn't love me anymore distance was a painful thought. By the time I stopped on the side of the road to ponder what I wanted to do night had fallen. It was dark out. The dark scared me. I turned around and started walking with my arms wrapped around myself, trying to feel some semblance of comfort in the unremitting darkness as I walked back towards town. Once I could see the faint glow of streetlights in the distance I felt a little better. The light alleviated some of my fright in the darkness.

In the glow of the streetlights I began to notice these three figures walking towards me. I didn't think anything of it, they were just some strangers walking home for all I knew. I kept walking towards them and soon enough I was able to hear their voices but I couldn't make out the words they were saying. But by the time I recognized who one of the voices belonged to it was too late for me to run. They'd seen me, they stopped in their tracks and I did the same. Kevin's face broke into a grin, his eyes shone in delight. I could see them so clearly from where he stood directly under the streetlight. I was just on the edge of the light, still in the darkness.

"Hello Tyler, how are you?" He asked me in a sickly sweet voice that was dripping with condescension.

I didn't say a word or move an inch and they walked towards me, where I stood in the darkness. In that moment I wished that the darkness would open up it's great jaw and swallow me up. But here I remained frozen in place, like I always seemed to be.

"What? Not going to answer me. That's rude." He stopped right in front of me, the two others still stood behind him.

"You know I had the great pleasure of having a little chat with your boyfriend today. Seems like a nice guy, too bad we had to kick his face in."

I let out a gasp when I heard what he said. "Y-y-you didn't -" I stuttered in disbelief."

"Oh we did though. We did it real good too."

"No," I cried out trying not to shake a waves of emotion washed over my body.

"Oh but don't be jealous or anything. You'll get your turn too."

At this I turned around and tried futilely to make a run for it. He grabbed me by the arms and yanked me backwards. The two other guys stepped forward and each one of them grabbed an arm and Kevin stood in front of me sadistically smiling and said 'bye' before punching me in the face so hard that I blacked out then and there.


	28. Ch 27 - Fake You Out

I'd never felt such a resounding sense of helplessness as I lay there in the hospital bed. My body ached but the pain wasn't even comparable to the pain in my heart when I looked over at the bed beside me and saw Tyler laying there. I would take all the cracked ribs and broken arms in the world if Tyler didn't have to go through what he did. I'd failed him. I'd told him I'd protect him and keep him safe and I failed. I looked over to the bed next to me where he lied, hooked up to a machine and I saw my greatest failure.

Grief overwhelmed me as well as shame. My dad had found him unconscious on the side of the road in the middle of the night. He must have been lying there in the cold for hours before we got to him. He'd wandered away from the therapists office when I failed to pick him up and they got to him. They got to him and they beat him up and they raped him. I wanted to kill them. To tear them limb from limb. But I was stuck in this bed, so close to Tyler yet unable to hug him and hold him and to tell him that everything was okay.

He hadn't woken up yet. He still looked peaceful and serene. When he woke up and realized what had happened he was going to fall apart. I was barely together myself right then. But I need to get it together so I could be strong for him. But I'll I could do was cry, it seemed impossible for the tears to stop. My mom had just left to go get a cup of coffee for herself, so I didn't worry about hiding the tears, I let myself cry for the first time in years. I'd never felt like this in my entire life, and I really didn't know how to deal with it.

"What's wrong?" A voice asked me. My head snapped up and I saw Tyler looking at me with a concerned look on his face. Then he was looking around the room and realizing where we were. I saw the look on his face as everything came rushing back to him, I saw the way his face fell when he remembered all of it. And it broke my heart to see. "I-I-what? Did they get you too, they said...but I didn't know. Oh god," Tyler was semi incoherent as he began to hyperventilate when he saw that I was hurt too.

"Ty! Tyler calm down!" I shouted to him, getting more upset myself that I couldn't rush to his side. Feeling helpless and not knowing what else to do, I pushed the button on my bed that signaled for a nurse to come in. It was only a matter of seconds before Jen, our nurse came rushing into the room and immediately took control of the situation and got him to slow his breathing. Once he was calmed down she went about taking his vitals and asked him if he was hungry. He asked what exactly had happened to him. She said the doctor would be into talk sometime that day. I turned my head toward the window, the sun was just beginning to rise. Look like I wasn't going to make it to school that day.

Finally she left and I remained looking out the window. But I begrudgingly turned my head when a quiet and slightly scared voice called my attention. "Josh."

"Yeah."

"I remember what they did to me. Did they do that to you?"

"They just beat me up. Left me in the back school parking lot."

"So they didn't do it to you?"

"No."

"Thank god."

"Tyler I-I just...I'm so sorry I didn't protect you."

"Josh, you couldn't have stopped this. Don't you dare blame yourself. I'll be fine, I always am."

"I just can't believe you had to go through this again."

"I'll be fine. Really. This time is better because I have you. I'm not the scared little twelve year old anymore."

"No you're not. This time they're going away for what they did. The cops already have them in custody. You'll have to give your statement, I already did. We're gonna be okay, you know. We'll heal and we'll do it together. And as soon as I get out of this fucking bed I'm going to hold you."

That got a small smile to play upon his lips. "I don't doubt it and I can't wait."

But I could still see the sadness in his eyes, and emptiness that hadn't previously been there. He was putting on a front. I knew why and I could understand but he didn't have to do that with me. I wasn't going to allow it.

My mom walked into the room and when she saw Tyler was awake she rushed to his side and planted a kiss on his forehead. "Welcome back to the world of the living sleepy head. How're you feeling? Can I get you anything. Are you hungry? Do you need some water? Are you comfortable?"

"Um I'm okay thanks."

"Don't hesitate at anytime to just ask me if you need anything at all."

"Okay."

"It's so great to see my two boys both fully conscious again and on your way to healing."

She looked over at me and gave me a glance which I knew to mean she expected me to fill her in on how Tyler was actually feeling not the bullshit 'okay' he was giving everyone later. She sat with us for a while until my dad and my brother came by. They left once the doctor came in to talk to Tyler about his injuries. Tyler had a broken nose, a fractured clavicle, three broken ribs, and his arm was broken in two places. As well as the trauma he received from being raped. He shook his head stoically as the doctor spoke about how a therapist would be in to talk to him later.

Once the doctor left the room Tyler refused to look at me. I begged him to please turn and face me but he refused. I decided to let him be for the moment. I didn't need to force him to talk right now. But my heart was breaking for the boy I loved and had no idea how to help him. That was the worst feeling ever. "I love you," I told him. I heard no reply and turned to see that his eyes were closed and I figured he must be asleep so I decided to do the same and get some sleep.


	29. Ch 28 - Quarantine Me to the Hospital

I wasn't asleep. I was awake and I heard the words he said and yet I said nothing. I felt disgusting and so undesirable. He couldn't love someone like me and I couldn't allow myself to be deluded any further. I was squirming in the bed, the urge to get up and run away from it all was so strong. I desire to cut was so strong right then, it was becoming physically uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do, I was stuck to this bed by wires and my arm was throbbing.

But I could help it, I tore the needle out of my arm and struggled to detach myself from all the gadgets they had me hooked up to. But as soon I did this beeping sound went off and a nurse came running in the room. Josh awoke and watched me with wide eyes. "Tyler! Honey you have to get back in bed, you're in no condition to be up and walking yet," the nurse said sternly trying to restrain me from walking out the door.

I struggled against her though, intent on getting out of the room. I only had one arm to struggle with but I was able to put up a surprisingly tough fight. She called out for back up and two more nurses came running in, one of them was a big guy who basically just picked me up and forced me back down on the bed. I struggled still, trying to get up but to no avail. "You don't understand," I screamed. "I need to get out of here, I have to, I need to - I need-you have to let me go. You can't hold me against my will." They strapped me down on the bed and injected something into my IV and before I knew it everything went black.

When I woke up I felt extremely drowsy and looked about the room wearily because everything was blurry. Eventually things began to come into focus and I saw Mr. and Mrs. Dun sitting across from me in the room and they were talking to Josh who was sitting up in his bed and eating a burrito. "Hey honey, how are you feeling?" Mrs. Dun asked me standing up and moving to stand by my bed when she saw I was awake.

"I feel drowsy, like my eyelids feel heavy."

"That's just the medicine honey, it will wear off soon. Are you hungry, we got you a burrito from Taco Bell."

"I could eat."

"Great," she said rushing over to get me the burrito and handing it to me. I managed to unwrap it with one hand and it wasn't until I started eating that I realized how hungry I was. I scarfed the burrito down in five minutes and still felt a little hungry. Josh's parents sat with us until dinner time when they left to go home for the night. That left Josh and I alone for the first time since my episode. I felt guilty about it but I was feeling more in control of myself now. I was holding it in.

"How do you feel Tyler?" Josh asked me, looking over at me with hesitant eyes.

"I feel okay, a little sore."

"And mentally…"

"I'm fine."

"Ty.."

"Josh I said I'm fine!" I snapped.

"Ty I just want to make sure you're okay, you can be honest with me. You know I love you no matter what."

"But you shouldn't. Love me," I said softly feeling my lip tremble as I spoke the words aloud.

"Tyler you always do this. You always push me away when you go through something difficult. But guess what buddy, you're stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere, I'm like a leech and I'm never letting go."

I smiled slightly at his leech comparison. "I'm afraid of leeches, they're scary."

"But I'm not a scary leech, I'm a cute cuddly leech."

I smirked at this but didn't crack a smile.

"C'mon I know you want to smile. I mean I'm hilarious if my ribs weren't cracked I'd be putting on a whole vaudeville act to cheer you up. I swear its the only thing holding me back."

Finally I couldn't hold it back any longer and let out a chuckle at Josh's antics. This boy was crazy, I thought to myself. But I was in love with him and he loved me. I needed to remember that.

"I'm sorry for going a little crazy."

"Aw don't speak of it. Life would be boring without a little crazy."

"Well then you'll never be bored with me."

"That's good, because you're stuck with me. I'm a leech remember."

"Okay yeah I get it, you're a leech but promise me you won't suck my blood."

"Pfff so many demand! Okay I won't suck your blood...just your dick."

"Hey boys!"

We looked over and saw Jordan standing there. "Oh hey Jordan," Josh said smiling. I groaned and tried to bury my head in my shirt like a turtle in it's shell. But alas I wasn't a turtle.

"Why the fuck do I always walk in on you two at the most inopportune times," Jordan said exasperatedly walking into the room.

"Jordan I don't know how to tell you this...but Tyler is a pervert and he's corrupted me."

"Josh!?" I screeched blushing furiously causing both him and Jordan to burst out into laughter at my expense. But Josh had to stop because it hurt with his cracked ribs.

"Serves you right for laughing at me," I said somewhat smugly.

"Yeah yeah. I still love you babe, even if you are a pervert."

"Love you too," I said smiling and flipping him off.


	30. Ch 29 - I Can't Help Falling In Love

I crouched down behind the couch grinning from ear to ear in anticipation. The day was December first which was a pretty important day for the world-nay- the universe. Today was the day that my beautiful, wonderful, handsome, sexy boyfriend was born. My mom had dragged Tyler out with her to go shopping and as soon as he left we all raced to set up his surprise party. Jordan, Hannah, and my dad all helped decorate the kitchen and living room with tacky streamers and way too many balloons. I set the cake out on the table, it was a three layer triple chocolate fudge cake which I'd recently discovered was Tyler's favorite. I put the candles on the cake, a big one and a six, he was turning sixteen years old.

The doorbell rang and I ran to answer it, it was a few of my teammates and they all came lumbering in with gifts. I was ordering everyone around because I wanted everything to be perfect for Tyler. He hadn't had a proper party in a long time, and being the amazing boyfriend I was, I was going to give him the whole shabang. I was practically shaking in anticipation of seeing his face when we all jumped out and yelled 'surprise'. I really hoped he loved it, because he deserved all the good things in the world and I wanted to give them to him.

My phone buzzed and I looked down at the text from my mom saying they would be there in five minutes. "Five minutes!" I screamed, racing around in even more of a frantic state getting the last few things finished before the birthday boy arrived. "Everybody to your hiding places," I yelled.

The last of my friends had arrived just a few minutes prior and I shot them a glare for being late when I told them not to be. But I withheld any comments and hid down behind the couch. Everyone else was scattered about the room, under tables and behind furniture. I heard two of my teammates, Jared and Jensen I think, giggling in the closet. _OMG, just come out already_ , I thought wryly to myself. Those two were so into each other, it was only a matter of time until they were together. But this was no time for them to explore their repressed homosexual feelings.

"Shut up you two!" I yelled to them across the room. They promptly quieted.

It was only about a minute later that we heard keys jangling at the door, I got ready to jump up. We heard the door swing open and footsteps echo in the foyer we got ready to jump out. As soon as the echo of footsteps disappeared we knew he'd stepped into the living room carpet. That was the moment we all pounced.

"Surprise!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, jumping up from behind the couch and seeing the look on Tyler's face. He stumbled back slightly startled, his eyes wide with excitement once he realized what was happening. My mom walked in right behind him and pulled him into a hug, I was kind of mad she beat me but I was the second person to pull him into a hug and I got to give him a kiss which made it all better. "Happy birthday babe," I whispered in his ear.

He smiled and looked around the room at everyone who was there to celebrate his birthday and I could tell he was getting emotional. Jared raced up to him and wished him a happy birthday, everyone came up and wished him a good birthday. Jordan took initiative to turn on the music so the party could get a proper start. My favorite part of the day was watching Tyler dance around the room looking so awkward but just so cute. He was laughing and his eyes were so carefree and full of light.

I loved how my teammates had accepted him into our group and accepted our relationship without much of a second thought. Life was so good in that moment and I was so thankful for everything I had in life and most of all thankful for this boy who had just magically appeared in my life and made it so much better than I could have ever imagined.

I walked over and turned down the music and announced that it was time to cut the cake. Tyler's eyes lit up when I lead him over to the cake. "I know chocolate is your favorite so I told them to put literally all the chocolate in this cake."

He laughed, "Thanks babe, the cake is sick as frick."

Everyone gathered around the table to sing and my mom lit the candles and turned out the lights. Tyler was then serenaded by a tone deaf yet passionate rendition of Happy Birthday. "Now you have to blow out the candles," I told him.

He stood there thinking thoughtfully about what he wanted to wish for before he leaned down and blew them out in one breath. "What did you wish for?" Jordan asked.

"I can't tell you that if I do then my wish doesn't come true, don't you know the rules?"

"I know the rules, I'm just a nosy bastard," Jordan said laughing to himself.

My mom served up the cake and Tyler got the first piece and it was huge with lots of frosting which he got on his face. I reached over and wiped it away with a napkin, having to restrain myself from licking it off in front of our guests. But I was feeling kind of naughty so I leaned over and whispered in his ear. "Later tonight I'll give you my gift, once everyone's gone and you've got less clothes on."

He blushed and I couldn't help but laugh at my innocent little burrito of a boyfriend. It was pretty late once everyone had left and we were finally able to get upstairs to go to 'sleep'. I'm pretty sure sleep was the last thing on both of our minds as we made our way to bed. Once we were in my bedroom and the door was securely shut and locked I wrapped my arms around my boyfriend's waist and pulled him in close to me.

"So did you have a good birthday?" I asked looking into his beautiful brown eyes.

"It was the best birthday ever. I feel so loved, and I'm just so happy right now. I'm afraid it's all a dream or something. I don't feel like I deserve all this."

"Tyler you deserve so much more than this, you deserve the world. You are an amazing person and an amazing boyfriend. I just love you so much. You've made my life so much better by being a part of it."

A few tears ran down his cheek when I spoke to him and I leaned down to kiss them away. "No tears tonight babe."

I leaned in and kissed the boy I love and a feeling of such completeness washed over me. Tyler completed my heart. "I couldn't help falling in love with you Tyler," I said breaking apart from him for a moment to stare him in the eyes. And love is a lot like falling, it's a risk and it can sometimes be scary but it's also exhilarating and you feel free from the constraints of the Earth. So I couldn't help falling in love with Tyler but I did and now we were falling together hand in hand and it was nothing short of epic in every way a love should be epic.

"Make love to me Josh," Tyler asked me, all shyness and trepidation gone from his voice.

"Anything for you my birthday boy."


	31. Ch 30 - Good Riddance Pants

I'd just about fallen over from shock when I walked through the door and everyone jumped out at me. I hadn't been expecting anything like that at all, I'd figured it would just be a quiet day with maybe a cake or something. It blew me away to see everyone there and it warmed my heart so much. I had never in my life imagined that so many people would want to come to a birthday party for me. It made me feel so loved and yes I did almost cry but I held it back because I didn't want to be embarrassed in front of everyone.

Everyone wished me a happy birthday and once I'd caught my breath Josh and I danced a little. I was nervous to dance because I knew how awkward I looked but everyone was dancing and everyone looked weird so I went along with it and actually had a lot of fun. A bunch of Josh's teammates were there and I got along really well with Jared and Jensen, they always talked to me when I went to their practices and games. Josh had recently told me that he thought that they had feelings for each other and the more I watched them the more I agreed. They were so into each other it was really only a matter of time.

Then there was the cake, it was huge and it was chocolate, I was in heaven. Josh said I had to make a wish when I blew out the candle and it took me a minute to think of what I wanted to wish for because it seemed to me that I'd gotten just about everything I'd ever wanted. I had a family that loved me, I had an amazing boyfriend, and I had friends. My life was amazing now and I never imagined that I would ever be this happy again. It seemed futile to wish for something when I had everything I'd ever wanted but then I did think of one thing. I blew out the candles and made my wish. I'd just have to wait and see if my wish came true.

Once everyone had left and we picked up a little it was quite late so Josh excused us and we went upstairs to go to bed. Josh had whispered in my ear earlier about having a gift for me later and ever since he said that I'd been excited to go to bed. In more than one way. But when we got to the bedroom Josh shut the door and wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me against him.

"So did you have a good birthday?" Josh asked me staring down at me, his eyes full of love.

"It was the best birthday ever. I feel so loved, and I'm just so happy right now. I'm afraid it's all a dream or something. I don't feel like I deserve all this," I told him. And the words were true. I felt so inadequate and undeserving.

"Tyler you deserve so much more than this, you deserve the world. You are an amazing person and an amazing boyfriend. I just love you so much. You've made my life so much better by being a part of it," I felt like I was going to cry at his words. I guess I did cry a little because Josh leaned down to kiss the tears off my cheek. I blushed a little. It seemed silly to blush now after all this was the man with whom I'd been naked with many times. But the expression of emotions like this was wholly more intimate than anything sexual.

He leaned down and kissed me, and we didn't kiss for very long but I could tell that it was different than before. There was a new intensity there and I liked it. We broke apart. "I couldn't help falling in love with you Tyler," Josh said to me. And if I wasn't already overly emotional this might have broken me. Every word he spoke I felt in my heart. I felt the meaning of the words slam into my frame like I'd fallen from a tall building and smashed into the concrete. Only it wasn't painful so maybe that's a bad metaphor. The feeling was intense but entirely blissful-euphoric even if I had any sense of what euphoria was then this was it.

I needed him right then. I wanted him. So badly and I knew I couldn't wait any longer. It had to happen now. That connection was what I craved, and having that connection with the man I loved was going to be amazing. I just knew it. All the bad memories I had associated with that act would be replaced with such beauty and I just needed that. I needed him.

"Make love to me Josh," I said simply.

"Anything for my birthday boy."

I reached up and kissed Josh, the kiss was intense in a way that was completely new because tonight was different. His lips on mine was a feeling I'd never tire of, his lips on my neck lightly nibbling just about drove me crazy. It was really embarrassing the sounds that came out of me when he did that. But I didn't waste that much time worrying about how embarrassing it was because well my thoughts were otherwise occupied.

We made out for several minutes before Josh pulled me over to the bed he then pulled off his own shirt and then mine before he pushed me down on the bed and climbed on top of me. Josh held himself above me and stared down at me, his eyes bore into my soul. "Are you sure about this babe." Josh asked me.

"I'm very sure. I'm sure that I love you and I'm sure that I want you inside of me."

"You make my heart do wild things when you talk like that. You're not the small innocent burrito that you seem. You're so fucking sexy and you drive me wild. I can't wait to be inside of you."

His hands moved down my chest slowly causing me to shiver at his touch, it was electrifying and made it seem as though my body was buzzing with the excitement he made feel. His lips trailed down my chest gentle and passionate, My hands gripped his arms as I experienced all the sensations he inflicted on my body. Somehow my pants became unbuttoned, I honestly don't know when that happened. But next thing I knew my pants were down around my ankles and I kicked them off and they fell into the abyss. My hard dick sprang free from the confines of my pants and I felt Josh's calloused hands grab ahold of me.

Such a slutty moan escaped my lips when he grabbed me but I didn't even have time to be embarrassed. My body arched with pleasure and I gripped onto the sheets in a rather futile attempt to remain quiet. "Oh God," I moaned.

"You like that?"

"Uhuh."

Josh smiled and stopped long enough to take off his own pants and throw them away cause really they were garbage and needed to be gotten rid of immediately. Good riddance pant. He reached over and grabbed a bottle of lube and a whole handful of condoms from the bedside drawer. I watched him eagerly as he poured the lube onto his hand and he reached down and slid one finger inside of me. I tensed when I felt his finger inside of me but I quickly relaxed it didn't hurt so bad. He slid two more fingers in before he pulled them out. I watched him slide a condom over his erect member and stroke himself covering his length in lube.

"Are you ready babe?" Josh asked me.

I nodded and he leaned down and kissed me on the lips. He pushed my legs up and before I knew it I felt him begin to slide into me. He took his time, going slowly and asking me how I felt every time before he went any farther. Once he was all the way inside of me he stopped and kissed me and kissing him while feeling him inside me was the most amazing sensation I think I'd ever experienced-that was until he hit my prostate and I was just about seeing stars. I'd never felt such a pleasurable sensation in my life. My body literally shook from pleasure and I was pleading with him to fuck me harder and faster just to keep the feeling coming.

He began to slow down and said to me in a breathless voice that he was about to come. I felt his body shudder above mine as he came inside of me and that was all I needed before I was coming myself without him even touching me. It was that good. He collapsed down on top of me and my cum stained stomach. I felt him go flaccid inside of me and slide out and I wrapped my arms around the boy I loved and whispered in his ear. "Thanks for making my birthday wish come true."

He looked at me and smiled. "It was my pleasure." We both giggled because really it was quite a pleasure for both of us. I got to fall asleep in the arms of my lover basking in the post orgasmic bliss of sex and really it was the best birthday I'd ever had.


	32. Ch 31 - (Don't) Doubt (Me)

I think in my mind I tried to ignore the passing of time. Winter came with a vengeance and let out all of its pent up anger and then stormed off leaving spring in its wake. Spring was beautiful of course, the flowers bloomed leaving a glorious smell in the air, nature's glorious perfume. Tyler smiled a lot and I think that spring was when I really saw him blossom just like the flowers. It was different than before, he seemed to have a new found confidence and a twinkle in his eyes. I had a moment when I first noticed it, and it made my heart swell with happiness because I knew he'd be okay. I knew he'd be alright when I went to college next year.

I was walking out of math class and I quickly noticed him standing farther down the hallway with a group of my teammates. He was the center of attention, telling some kind of story his hands flying around, he talked with his hands a lot. Everyone bursted out laughing at something he said and my face lit up with a smile. I smiled for how far my boyfriend had come from the kid who was hiding behind the dumpster crying. I walked up to the group and listened in on what he was saying, he flashed me a big grin, his eyes were alight with life. And that was a beautiful sight to see.

Tyler was doing amazing in school, he'd caught up amazingly well. His reading was greatly improved and even math was going better, not great, but it was math. He was flourishing. Tyler and I had been playing soccer together after school and I'd been surprised at how good he was. Tyler was fast, like a bolt of lightning up and down the field. He surprised me by giving me a run for my money. I knew he'd be an asset to the team and I was gonna force him to try out next school year whether he liked it or not. I knew he'd fit right in, he was already friends with half of my teammates already and once they saw his skills they'd be begging him to play.

We were driving home from school one rainy day blaring music and jamming out which was normal for us. I turned onto our street and was surprised to see a strange vehicle in our driveway. Tyler squinted and turned with a surprised look to face me. "That's my dad's car. What is he doing here?"

"That's a good question."

I pulled into the driveway and Tyler's dad got out of the car and stamped out a cigarette in the driveway. Tyler and I got out of the car. I walked a bit behind him. "Dad…" Tyler said, his voice dripping with confusion.

"Hey kid."

"Hi…" Tyler said his voice cold and firm, lacking emotion.

"So um your brother….he um overdosed last night. He's dead."

"What?"

"He died last night. Coke, heroin...I don't know what it was, but he's dead. Just thought I'd come let you know."

"Thanks for letting me know," Tyler said emotionless.

"I'm glad to see you're doing well. Hang in there kid. You might actually achieve something in your life. That would make your mom proud."

"I'm sure."

"Well I gotta be going. Bye Tyler. Josh."

I watched Tyler watch as his father got back in the car and drove away down the street. I walked up to Tyler and put my hand on his shoulder. "Babe? What are you feeling?"

"I don't know."

He turned to face me. "I don't know what to feel. He was my brother. I loved him. I loved him despite the hell he put me through. Is that fucked up?"

"There's nothing fucked up about it."

"I can't believe he's gone." Tyler's eyes began to tear up. I grabbed him and held him to my chest. He sobbed, his head resting on my shoulder. "My big brother's gone."

"It's alright babe, let it out."

I pulled him along with me inside and held him for awhile until the tears stopped. "How are you feeling babe," I asked rubbing his back.

"I'm alright. I think I miss the brother I used to have. I still have those memories and I'll hold on to the good times. Zack had his own problems and frankly this was probably an inevitability. I wish I could have saved him."

"We can't save everyone, no matter how hard we try sometimes it's not enough."

"But you saved me."

"I didn't save you. You don't give yourself enough credit. Maybe I helped but you ultimately had to do most of the work."

"True, but I wouldn't be alive without you."

I squeezed the boy in my arms and he looked up at me. "I love you Josh."

"Love you too my lil burrito."

"I am going to make my mom proud."

"You already have Tyler. You're an amazing boy, she's already proud of you."

"But I'm really gonna make something of myself someday."

"I don't doubt that you will."


	33. Ch 32 - The Sunset (Kind of)

It felt as though I lived inside of a time warp because time seemed to move so slowly but also it seemed to move insanely fast. The fastness was exhilarating like a rollercoaster but also scary like a rollercoaster. School was nearing it's end and then the summer stretched before us like the beacon of sunshine and fun that it was, but looming on the other side of that beacon of light was the fall. When fall came Josh would go off to college and I'd go back to highschool all alone. I was terrified, but I think I hid it well. I tried not to think of it too much because when I did I would work myself up into a panic attack.

I mean it difficult to reconcile at the time because besides this looming reality my life was going so well. I was happier than I'd ever been, my meds were finally straightened out and therapy was going really great. I felt like I actually had friends, all of Josh's friends had adopted me and at first I was afraid they were just hanging out with me as a favor to Josh. But Josh assured me and everyone of them went out of their way to assure me and it meant a lot to me. It meant a lot to me that they weren't annoyed by my constant need for validation.

I hadn't cut in two months, there were a few slip ups after my brother's death and Josh was so caring and understanding and didn't even get mad at me. I think I was the hardest on myself because I had so much self hatred for what I did but my mind still made me do it. I cried a lot. It brought out a lot of the same feelings I had felt when my mother died. It took a few sessions with April to feel better again but I was in a good spot once again and I was truly grateful for that.

One day when the weather was nice Josh dragged me outside to play soccer with him. Now I hated sports with a burning passion, I'd been made fun of for being so bad all throughout elementary school and middle school. Resulting in one time a kid threatening to knock me over because I missed the ball once when we were playing volleyball. This had long since instilled in me not only a hatred of sports but also a lot of anxiety and fear for gym class. But Josh begged me to play with him and he assaulted me with the puppy dog eyes and who am I kidding I was weak against those eyes. So I begrudgingly followed him out to the backyard making no effort to hide my disdain.

"Aw come on Tyler it won't be so bad. Besides I've watched _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ like five times with you, and I'm sorry but I don't really care for the movie."

"Not even the Time Warp? Or Rocky's abs?"

"Time Warp is alright and frankly Rocky does nothing for me."

I looked mildly offended at his opinion on one of my favorite films of all time.

"Come on babe, no need to pout even though you look really sexy when you're mad."

"Then I must be pretty hot right now."

"You're always hot."

"Shut up."

"Never."

He stopped in the middle of the yard and faced me. He held up the soccer ball up in the air and spoke to me. "So this is what we call a soccer ball," he said talking very slowly to tease me."

I glared at him. "Fuck you," I said unamused.

He laughed. "Okay okay. Let's get serious and play some football as the rest of the world would say."

Josh tossed the ball in the air and kept hitting it up in the air with his knees before gently kicking it in my direction. I kicked it with all my might and to my surprise it went flying past him and he looked surprised. "Damn great kick. Maybe there's hope for you yet."

He made me do all sorts of drills and by the time he said we were finished I swore I was melting by the amount of sweat that poured from my body. I collapsed on the ground and groaned. "I think I'm gonna die."

"That's the feeling of a workout," Josh said laughing a little as he stood before me barely a drop of sweat on him and his breathing steady unlike my shallow gasps for air. "Come one babe, you need a nice cold shower," Josh told me as he offered his hand to help me up. I grabbed his hand and he pulled me up from the ground and he basically held me up as we walked up to the bathroom. Josh began making me practice with him once or twice a week and after the first time I dare say I even began to enjoy myself, but I didn't tell Josh. Josh was really supportive and helpful and I felt my own confidence begin to increase and believe it or not that was half of my struggle. Once I gained some confidence I saw a big improvement in the way I played.

Between school, homework, therapy, and our new soccer practice schedule Josh and I were busy. We were so busy that it surprised me when one Saturday night Josh came bounding into our bedroom at seven o'clock that night saying he had a surprise for me. I looked up from my notebook where I had been writing some poetry and stared at him. "What?"

"I have a surprise for you babe. Get dressed."

He was referring to the fact that I only wore a pair of boxers since I'd showered a little earlier and hadn't felt like dressing. "Okay…" I said standing up. "But could you tell me where we're going?"

"If I told then it wouldn't be a surprise silly."

"You and you're technicalities."

"But you love me."

"Oh that I do, but sometimes you're an annoying asshole."

"But lucky for me you love assholes."

"Fuck you."

"Okay."

I just gave him a look and scrambled to find a pair of pants and shirt to wear. Once I was dressed we headed out the door waving goodbye to his parents. Once we were on the road I began asking him questions about our destination but he was mum on the subject. Finally when we turned on this one road I knew where we were going because there was only one place on this road.

"The beach!"

"Yup, you guessed right. Ten points for Tyler Joseph."

We pulled into the parking lot and Josh went and grabbed something from the back of the car. It was a basket, we held hands as we walked the short distance down the hill to the waterfront. Josh opened the basket and spread out a blanket on the sand for us to sit on. I sat down and Josh pulled me to sit in between his legs so I could lean against him. "I realized it had been a while since we'd taken some time to go on a proper date and I felt as though that needed to happen soon. So I figured since the weather is warming up we should take advantage of that and come watch the sunset."

"This is amazing Josh. You seem to always outdo yourself, and spoil me to death."

"I'm your boyfriend that my job to spoil you."

"I love you Josh."

"I Love you more."

"No I love you more."

"Um that's impossible because I love you more."

"No I love -"

He interrupted me by trailing a line of kisses down the back of my neck making me stop mid sentence.

"You don't play fair," I said breathlessly.

"Nope. I'm a very naughty boy."

"So naughty."

"What are you gonna do about that?"

"I have some ideas…," I said gulping as I felt his hand trailing down my thigh.

"Show me then."

"Okay." he didn't have to tell me twice. And so we completely missed the romantic sunset because we fucked on the beach.


	34. Ch 33 - Love That Smol Bean

I guess it was almost comical now to think back on the time when I thought I was heterosexual. Before Tyler I hadn't any inkling that I may be gay, it just honestly never crossed my mind. I just grew up always having in mind that I would have a girlfriend and we'd get married and have a few kids. That's how I thought life worked so I was just going with it. Even once I met Tyler and knew I felt this really deep connection with him I was still completely oblivious to my own subconscious feelings. And maybe this just goes to show you the way our society treats heterosexuality as the default sexuality and how this idea halted me from realizing who I was.

It was somewhat confusing for me at first these feelings, because it's not like I had any disgust or animosity towards homosexuals. I was raised believing everyone was equal and to always treat others with respect. Maybe it would have made much more sense if I'd been raised in a homophobic family that I would have repressed my feelings to try and be normal. But that wasn't even the case, I'd just never given any thought to the fact that I might be gay. I guess I could be bisexual, but now other than Tyler I didn't really look at anybody else. I mean I thought people of all genders were attractive and I suppose labels never really meant much to me at all. But if I had to label myself I would say I was bisexual, and I was damn proud of myself.

Tyler was the one for me and I was so in love with my smol bean of a boyfriend. I knew we had been busy the last several months and while being busy isn't a bad thing, I felt as though we were neglecting our relationship due to our mutual lack of free time. So I'd decided to take it upon myself to remedy the situation and plan a super romantic date to remind Tyler how much I loved him and appreciated him. He deserved some romance, he'd had an especially tough time after his brother's death. I feared that I'd taken the instance of his brother's death too lightly and failed to notice exactly how hard his impacted him.

I'd been unaware until I saw the fresh cuts on his arm. It broke my heart to see him hurting and I was so mad at myself for not seeing that my boyfriend was in pain. I remembered that moment vividly, he'd been getting dressed and what was odd about it was that he'd begun changing in the bathroom which he'd never done before but this didn't occur to me until after the fact. On this day I'd forgotten to put on deodorant when I was in the bathroom so I'd barge in the room not thinking anything of it, because he was my boyfriend. He held the razor blade in his hand and he was drawing several tiny lines on the inside of his thigh.

"Tyler!" I exclaimed when I saw what he was doing.

He dropped the razor on the ground and tried to cover himself up. I ran to him. He hung his head and refused to meet my gaze. I pulled him into my arms. He began to cry, I rubbed his back as I held him and let him get it all out. "I-I-I'm r-really s-sorry Josh."

"Shh. It's gonna be alright babe."

"Are y-you m-mad?"

"Ty I'm never mad when you cut, it just makes me so bad to see that you're in pain. I love you no matter what."

"His arms tightened around my waist, "I love you too Josh."

"C'mon I'm gonna help you clean this up and then get dressed and I'll make you some hot chocolate and we'll cuddle and talk, does that sound good?"

"Yeah...thanks Josh."

"Anything for the bae," I told him, leaning in to give him a quick peck on the lips. I made quick work of cleaning his cut and putting a bandaid over it. I told him to get dressed while I went downstairs to make the hot chocolate. When I got to our bedroom he was sitting on the edge of the bed facing away from me, his head bowed down with his hands grasped in his lap. I walked in the room and set the two cups of hot chocolate down on the bedside table and walked over to sit next to my boyfriend.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You know this doesn't mean you're a failure or that the months you've spent clean are worthless. You're still my amazing boyfriend who I love very much."

"I just..I really don't even know why I did it. I didn't really want to it's just, I guess it's just how I've always dealt with these feelings."

"That's understandable but you know you have me to talk to now, and of course April. You have an appointment with her tomorrow."

"Yeah, I'll tell her how I'm feeling."

"Good, now we should get to our hot chocolate before it's cold and I put six tiny marshmallows in it, just the way you like it."

Tyler smiled at me, "You're the best babe."

I grinned, "Well so you say, so it must be true."

We cuddled in bed and drank our hot chocolate and watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show because it was Tyler's favorite movie. I just wanted him to feel alright.

My big romantic plot was a trip to the beach one night so we could watch the sunset. It was sappy and probably horribly cliched but hey that didn't mean it was any less romantic or special. I sprung it on him one night and dragged him with me all the way to the beach, not answering his many questions on the whereabouts of our destination. He guessed that it was the beach because it was the only place to go once you turned down the road. His face lit up when he realized where we were going.

And honestly I had innocent intentions about our trip, I in no way planned on any not so innocent activities occurring. I mean I may have packed condoms and lube because safe sex is really important, but that didn't mean anything. Okay so maybe the thought of fucking my boyfriend on the beach was rather appealing but who could blame me, my boyfriend was like this super sexy little bean.

What I remembered most from the night was how his naked body looked awash in the glow of the sunset as we fucked on the beach. How the soft orange glow made the small flecks of color in his beautiful brown eyes pop and I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. Tyler and his eyes which bore into mine with such love and trust were more beautiful than any sunset would ever be so I didn't feel bad about missing the actual sunset. Tyler was my sun, he brought light into my life and warmed my soul and gave me life. I held him close that night as we stared up at the stars and peered out into the infinite universe and I felt at peace.


	35. Ch 34 - Graduation and Celebratory Sex

The sun shone high in the sky, the day was crisp and warm. The sky was a sea of blue above us as we sat calmly below. A warm and gentle summer breeze danced around us, bringing a further sense of joy and adulation to the day. The branches of the trees swayed and moved as though they were keeping in time with their dance partner. The wind and the trees were so eloquent and graceful, moving in time together. The wind lead and the trees followed, together they were the perfect pair.

I sat in the third row next to Josh's mom, she was tearing up a little. I understood her sense of emotion and reached to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder. She smiled over at me and I smiled back. Josh sat several rows ahead of us with the rest of the graduating class. Josh was graduating from high school today. I was so proud of my boyfriend. I could see the back of his head where we sat and he was paying rapt attention to the principal's speech. I was distracted.

I was thinking of earlier that morning when Josh had been getting ready. I had set his bright red cap and gown out on the bed for him while he was in the shower. He walked back into the room wearing only a towel, he smiled when he saw me. "Holy shit, I can't believe I'm graduating today. It doesn't really feel real. It's all kind of dreamlike."

"Well I could pinch you if you need reassurance that this is in fact for real," I replied snarkily.

"Haha that's okay. I could go for a congratulatory kiss. It is a big day after all."

"Oh you think you deserve a kiss?" I asked slyly, as I stood there staring at my insanely hot boyfriend in nothing but his towel. It's not pervy when you're dating.

"Um yeah I think so. I am after all your ridiculously smart and handsome boyfriend."

"You got me there," I answered quickly before rushing over to my half naked boyfriend. I threw my arms around him and he leaned down to meet my lips. His lips parted against mine and I took in his delicious taste. His towel may have accidentally fallen to the ground, gravity is a pesky thing after all. Josh smirked at me and I gave him an innocent look. I don't think he believed it one bit, but it was worth a try. I bit my lip and looked up at him, "how about a congratulatory blowjob?"

"Who am I to ever refuse a blowjob?"

I giggled. "You never have."

"Not when my boyfriend is so good at giving head."

"What can I say, everyone has a talent."

Josh just laughed at my words. I dropped down to my knees in front of him and grabbed ahold of his cock in my hand. I was just about to suck him off when a voice called out from the other side of the door. "You two better not be horsing around in there. Mom says you've got thirty minutes before we need to head to the school." Jordan. Fuck. Josh groaned and I sighed and stood up. I wrapped my arms around him and leaned in to whisper in his ear. "Don't worry I'll give you even better tonight."

"I can't wait babe. But that doesn't help me now."

"Oh christ just go jerk off real quick. I'll get your clothes out for you."

He picked up his towel and wrapped it around himself before sneaking out to the bathroom. I got his dress shirt and pants out of his closet and carried over the bowtie he'd picked to wear the night before. Then I started to get dressed myself in an almost identical outfit except my bowtie was different than his. He walked back into the room just as I was finishing up. "All better?" I asked him smirking at his unhappy look.

"It'll have to do," he said grumpily.

He got dressed quickly and it was then he noticed our almost identical outfits. "Are we turning into _that_ gay couple that dresses alike."

"Yes. Yes we are."

He laughed, "okay cool."

I walked over to him and he looked down at my arms. I was wearing a short sleeve shirt for the first time in public. His eyes raked over the scars that littered my arm and I watched his expression change from sadness to pride. "I'm really proud of you Ty. You look so handsome today."

I felt a swell of confidence that I'd been needing with his words. He always knew what to say, he always had. "Thank you Josh. You gave me the support and confidence I needed to do this."

"That's what I'm here for babe."

Jordan called out again for us to hurry our asses downstairs. We both rolled our eyes. Josh leaned down to give me one last peck on the lips before he reached over to grab his cap and gown and we raced down the stairs. I beat him this time.

Finally Josh's name was called and he stood to walk up to the stage. He grinned over at us and gave us an excited little wave, that just about melted my heart with his adorableness. He walked up to the stage and the principal handed him his diploma and shook his hand. Then he moved the tassel over and it was official. He was graduated from high school.

We all cheered and hooted and hollered way too loud but we didn't care. I definitely didn't care, I was so proud of my boyfriend. The rest of the ceremony after that seemed to drag on because I was dying to run up to my boyfriend and give him a hug and tell him how proud I was. Josh's mom seemed to be feeling the same way, we shared exasperated looks with each other.

Finally everyone had received their diploma and Josh came jogging over towards the family. His mom and dad hugged him first but Jordan pushed me in front of him so I could get the third hug. I got a hug and kiss though so I knew I was special. We all piled back in the car and went out to dinner, we went for mexican food of course because Josh had a certain affinity for burritos.

That night when we got back to the house we spent the night playing a card game called bullshit with the entire family. I won one game which was fun, but the most hilarious part was watching the ongoing rivalry between Josh and Jordan. It ended after an argument turned slightly violent and they rolled around the floor 'wrestling'. Then Lorraine had to break them up and announced that the game was over, Hannah and I laughed at the faces our boyfriends made after getting scolded by their mom.

Then Jordan and Hannah left and Lorraine and Derrick announced that they were going to bed as it was pretty late. Suddenly I realized that Josh and I were all alone in the living room. I stood up from the couch and grabbed his hand and pulled him up the stairs after me to the bedroom. I told him it was time for him to get his graduation present from me. His face lit up at my words and shook my head at my crazy sex fiend of a boyfriend. I loved this loser.

We made it to the bedroom in record time, I'm sure we beat our previous record. He threw me back against the wall and his lips immediately were on my mine, rough and passionate. I gripped onto his shirt and held him against me as his lips attacked my neck. I groaned at the feeling of his lips on my skin, it was hard to remain quiet. He only broke apart from me long enough to tear his shirt off and then my own shirt. I ran my hands up and down his smooth chest and leaned in to place a line of kisses along his chest until he stopped to suck on his hard nipples, he moaned at the feeling of my hot breath on his sensitive skin.

I reached down while I still had my mouth on him and unbuttoned his pants and pushed them down. Pants were such a nuisance sometimes. He stepped out of them and I pushed him over to the bed and then pushed him onto the bed. "Jesus I like it when you're kind of bossy."

"Oh you do," I said seductively. "I can do that."

He laid back on the bed and watched me as I slid out of my own pesky pants and stood there for a moment in front of him making him watch me as I fondled myself for a moment. I teased him," see anything you like?"

"Huh, no. I see something I love."

"Do you love my cock?"

"Oh fuck yes, I love sucking your cock and jerking you off while I fuck you."

I walked towards the bed and straddled his legs. I leaned down and took his hard member in my mouth and worked on taking as much of it as I could. His breathing hitched and he squirmed beneath me. I was really mean and got him all worked up and then let him fall out of my mouth. "Josh you can't come just yet, We just got started."

"Fuck Ty, you mouth is just so fucking warm and god I can hardly stand it."

I grinned at him and moved so that I was standing over his hard cock. "Don't worry Josh, I'm gonna take care of you."

I started lowering myself down onto his long and hard member. I moved slowly allowing myself to loosen up as his girth entered me. Josh squirmed and moaned my name as I did so. I told him to stay still and he stopped moving. Finally he was all the way inside of me and my ass was right against his balls. "Ah fuck," he exclaimed.

"Just wait," I said just before I pulled upward a little feeling him begin to slide out of me. Then I plunged back down onto his dick and began riding his engorged member. It felt amazing and he began to buck his hips up to meet me and every single time he hit my prostate a rather unbecoming noise would escape my mouth, I couldn't help it. "Fuck it Josh, I'm gonna come!" I barely got the words out before I came all over his chest. As soon as I came I felt him swell inside of me before he screamed that he was about to come and I felt his seed fill up inside me.

I waited until his now flaccid member slid out of me before I rolled off of him and reached over for a shirt to wipe my come off of his chest so that I could lay there. I rolled over right next to him so that he could wrap his arms around me as I nuzzled into his chest. "That was a really great present Ty."

"I'm glad you liked it," I said blushing a little because I loved it so much when he complimented me. It always felt good to know I'd pleased him.

"I love you my sweet little burrito."

"I love you, you soccer playing goof ball."


	36. Ch 35 - Final Words (Last Chapter)

Reflecting back on my life so far and how I got to where I am today is incredible. Life is a rollercoaster, with all of its ups and downs and loops which are often times unexpected but sometimes are fun and other times sickening. But ultimately that rollercoaster ride is so worth it, every loop and hill has been worth it, that I can attest to. I just turned thirty years old last month and when I was fourteen I never thought I'd even see eighteen let alone thirty.

That wasn't to say that I didn't still have my bad days. I did, that's one thing I had to learn. Depression doesn't just go away. But I knew how to handle it now, I had my support system and the bad days were far and few between nowadays. I had Josh to thank for that, he got me through everything. Every struggle and hardship that came my way I was able to overcome with his help.

It was because of Josh's help that I graduated high school number five in my class rank and as the captain of the soccer team. I got an almost a full ride to the University of Columbus, Ohio. I majored in psychology and now I work as a therapist helping out teens just like the one I used to be. I know exactly what they're going through, when I see the scars on their arms it reminds me of my own healed scars. I can roll up my sleeves and show them that it's possible to stop hurting yourself that happiness isn't an unachievable goal. It gives my life such meaning.

Josh and I have been married for four years, the ceremony was small and intimate, Josh's family and our friends from college and work were there. My dad came. He had sobered up a shortly after I graduated high school because he'd met a new lady friend and she had kind of forced him to. Allison was a really nice woman, frankly too good for my dad but she really straightened him out. They both came to the wedding and it really made my day. It took a lot of therapy to be able to forgive him but I did and it was nice to have my father back in my life.

Josh was busy with work, he was one of the most popular teachers at our old high school. He had a way of making kids who seemingly hated English learn to fall in love with reading. When he wasn't teaching he was coaching the soccer team and they'd gone undefeated last season. I had so many reasons to be proud of my husband. He always told me how proud he was of me and he still helps me so much. He's my best friend, my lover, and my number one fan.

We've been discussing adoption now for about a year and a half and we just signed the final papers. Our son Ryan will be coming to live with us in less than a month just as soon as the final paperwork goes through. I know having a rambunctious three year old on our hands will be a lot of work but I can't wait. I can't wait for us to be fathers. Josh will be Papa and I'll be Daddy. It seems so crazy to think of myself as a father but also so exciting. Ryan has been in the foster system for a year and a half, his mother was some strung out crack addict. He was removed from her after being found to be malnourished. But now he's a healthy and happy three year old boy with tons of energy. I'm anxious to have him home with us. Derrick and Lorraine are so excited to be grandparents again. Jordan and Hannah have two kids, Josh and I have been uncles to our twin nieces Erin and Rosy for four years now.

I want to be able to give my son everything. I want to make sure that he always feels loved and cared for. That he always feels like he can talk to Josh and I about anything and that he never feels the loneliness and despair that I once felt. I know he won't though, because I won't allow it.

If I could go back and talk to the boy that I was at fourteen years old I would give him a hug because god knows he needed a hug. I would tell him that life is worth it and that he is deserving of love and happiness. I would tell him to put down the blades because it's not worth it. The scars would heal but they wouldn't disappear, one day you may have to explain the markings on your arm to your son. That's okay but you'd probably rather not have to. One day you will be thirty years old and so happy. And I am. I'm so happy.

 **A/N It's been a pleasure to write this Joshler, but I'm also happy to bring it to a close and wrap it up and put a bow on it. If you enjoyed this I would recommend my other two Joshler fics. "Hotline" and "I'll Be King". Thanks for the love and support.**


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